As a fellow parent of a Deeply Feeling or Highly Sensitive Child (HSC), I know that it can be difficult to know what to say to our children when they’re upset, particularly when we are frustrated!  Last week, I shared a few statements that you can try incorporating into your communication with your child.  This week, I’m reflecting on three statements that we should avoid saying to our child.

Full disclosure: I have definitely said some of these “no no” statements to my HSC.  None of us are perfect parents!  But by being aware that some statements can be hurtful to our children - even counterproductive in working through difficult emotions and behaviors - we can adjust how we talk to them.  That said, here are a few statements to try to NOT say to your Highly Sensitive Child:

1. Why are you so sensitive?

One of the most powerful ways that you can support your Highly Sensitive Child is to examine your own internal beliefs about sensitivity, and to let go of any unhelpful beliefs that sensitivity is a flaw or a weakness.  If you notice that you are saying things to your child like “Why are you so sensitive?” or “Stop crying, it’s not that big of a deal!” take a step back and reflect.  In all likelihood, these statements will do nothing to reduce your child’s sensitivity, they will simply cause them to feel shame about their emotions and sensitivity.

2. Hurry up and do it, it’ll be fine!

Highly Sensitive Children have a common tendency to “Pause to Check” - they like to observe, gather information, and process for a bit before jumping into a new situation or activity.  This is part of how their brains work, and actually serves to protect them from risky situations or decisions throughout their lives.  Some parents become frustrated, however, when their child is not eager to “jump right in” to a new activity.  When starting a new activity - let’s say, riding a bike - it’s critical that you let your sensitive child take the time to observe and adjust.  This could include watching other children ride bikes, spending some time learning about bikes and their parts, sitting on the bike, using training wheels, etc.  Resist the urge to push your child too quickly towards intense engagement in a new activity.  Doing so often backfires and creates fear or resistance towards that activity.  If you let them proceed at their own pace (with plenty of encouragement - “I’m proud of you for trying!  I know you’re feeling a bit nervous, but I can see you’re making progress already!”) they are much more likely to build confidence and engage in the activity in a way that feels comfortable for them.

3. Stop feeling ____, it’s not that big of a deal!

Have you ever been told to “stop feeling upset,” “stop crying,” or to “just calm down?”  I challenge you to identify even one instance in which hearing these comments actually helped you to feel better!  When your child is upset, they need to hear that their emotions are valid.  Some variation of “I see that you’re feeling…/I understand why you feel…/It’s okay to feel…” sets the stage for your child to feel understood and supported.  Our goal as parents is not to magnify their emotions, but simply to recognize their emotions so that we can respond to them in productive ways.  Once your child feels understood, they’ll be more open to receiving comfort in the form of cuddles, taking a break, or a variety of coping/calming skills.  It’s a win-win for both ourselves and our kids!

If you found these tips helpful, I want to encourage you to check out my “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Online Course!  Based on my professional and personal experience with Highly Sensitive Children (HSC’s), I’ve developed this online, video-based course that helps parents and caregivers to better understand, support, and advocate for their Sensitive Kids.  It’s a comprehensive resource with information, printable resources, and simple but powerful tools to not only support your child, but to teach them to be an empowered Highly Sensitive Person.

You can find more about the “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Course by clicking the button below.