Highly Sensitive Parenthood Blog
How to Turn Overwhelming Spaces into Soothing Sanctuaries
with Rebecca Jo-Rushdy of Spark Joy and Flow
Our living spaces are more than just physical locations; they are extensions of our inner selves. The environment we create within our homes can significantly influence our moods and overall well-being. For HSP individuals, who are especially attuned to external stimuli, a cluttered or chaotic space can be particularly overwhelming. In my work as a therapist and coach, I work with many Highly Sensitive parents to identify how their home environments impact their well-being, and how to honor their needs for calm, intentional spaces.
With that, I’m so thrilled to share my conversation with Rebecca Jo-Rushdy of Spark Joy and Flow with the Highly Sensitive Parenthood community! Honestly, this has been one of my favorite podcast conversations EVER. We discuss the impact of our home environment on our mood and well-being, and chat about simple solutions for HSP folks and families to manage clutter and create systems that support calm and joy in our homes (yes, even with little ones around)!
You can listen in to our conversation via The Highly Sensitive Parenthood Podcast, or watch us chat on YouTube by clicking the buttons below. And don’t forget to scroll down to learn more about Rebecca and her offerings as a decluttering and wellness consultant!
Meet Rebecca Jo-Rushdy!
Rebecca specializes in guiding empaths to declutter and create harmonious spaces that ignite joy and a sense of flow. Her expertise is informed by her own experiences as a highly sensitive person, and she is passionate about helping others turn their emotional challenges into opportunities for growth and vitality.
In addition to her consulting work, Rebecca conducts wellness workshops and delivers motivational speeches to diverse audiences, including corporate, government, and non-governmental organizations. Her message centers on the transformative power of decluttering, both in our personal lives and professional endeavors, to enhance focus, productivity, and overall well-being.
Where to find Rebecca & Spark Joy and Flow:
1. Website
2. Instagram
3. Facebook
Hey New Subscribers - if you're looking for a bit more support around being a Highly Sensitive Parent or raising an HSP child, I've got you! I've created several resources, including Courses and Coaching packages, to meet your needs.
**YouTube Subscribers can access a special discount of 20% off of any courses or coaching at https://www.highlysensitiveparenthood.com/hspparentresources by using the code YOUTUBE at checkout.**
Creating Systems that Nurture You & Your Family
with Laura Hernandez of MamaSystems.net
Do you struggle with creating routines and systems that feel sustainable and allow you some moments of relaxation and connection with your family? I've definitely gone through (long!) periods where I've felt so overwhelmed with household tasks and to-do's that I've missed out on rest time for myself, or neglected the relationships I most value.
I invited Laura Hernandez of MamaSystems.net to join me for a conversation about creating systems that nurture both you and your children. We get nitty gritty on topics including chores and meal planning, and Laura give specific tips about how we can begin inviting our children (young or older) to more fully participate in the household.
Listen in to our conversation via the podcast or YouTube by clicking the buttons below, and scroll down to learn more about Laura and her offerings!
Meet Laura Hernandez!
Laura is a wife and mama to 10 amazing people. She is the founder of Mama Systems, a coaching business that helps mamas bring peace to their homes through systems so they can be intentional with their people and show up as the best mama possible.
Where to find Laura & Mama Systems:
1. Self-Care Guide for Highly Sensitive Parenthood - to access Laura's Self-Care Guide - a gift just for the Highly Sensitive Parenthood community!
2. Website
3. Instagram
4. Facebook
Hey New Subscribers - if you're looking for a bit more support around being a Highly Sensitive Parent or raising an HSP child, I've got you! I've created several resources, including Courses and Coaching packages, to meet your needs.
**YouTube Subscribers can access a special discount of 20% off of any courses or coaching at https://www.highlysensitiveparenthood.com/hspparentresources by using the code YOUTUBE at checkout.**
Supporting HSP Teens and Tweens
with Nellie Harden of NellieHarden.com
Are you the parent of an HSP Teen or Tween? I myself have a 9 year old, so this is right around the corner for me!
While a lot of my blogs and podcasts have focused on being a sensitive parent, or parenting younger HSP kids, I didn't want to forget our older children. I invited Nellie Harden of NellieHarden.com to join me in conversation around how to raise empowered and healthy HSP children (while also caring for ourselves as parents & people)!
Listen in to our conversation via the podcast or YouTube by clicking the buttons below, and scroll down to learn more about Nellie and her offerings!
Meet Nellie Harden!
Nellie is a wife, mother of 4 teenage daughters and an author and speaker in the space of Family Life & Leadership. She focuses on helping parents love & lead their teen/tween daughters in a way that teaches them to love & lead themselves while building a strong foundation of worth, esteem & confidence all before they leave home!
Her background is in Biology and Psychology, from humpbacks to humans, and she has invested decades of her life into personal, family, faith and leadership development. Most of all, she believes the best way to change the world is through one living room at a time!
Here are a few ways to connect with Nellie:
1. Website
2. 5 Things Your Daughter Needs
5. Instagram
6. YouTube
Hey New Subscribers - if you're looking for a bit more support around being a Highly Sensitive Parent or raising an HSP child, I've got you! I've created several resources, including Courses and Coaching packages, to meet your needs.
**YouTube Subscribers can access a special discount of 20% off of any courses or coaching at https://www.highlysensitiveparenthood.com/hspparentresources by using the code YOUTUBE at checkout.**
Calm Outings for HSP Parents & Children
Last week, I took a good look at “Why are Birthday Parties so Hard for HSPs?” Reflecting on birthday parties got me thinking about the pressure many parents feel to go on fun outings with their kids, even when they cause overwhelm for the HSP parent and/or child.
Of course, HSPs still want to have fun, but sometimes our version of fun may look a bit different from that of the general public! This week, I’m suggesting some calm outings for HSP parents and HSP children to spark your imagination and give you some practical ideas about ways to connect with your child that don’t feel too draining or overwhelming.
Neighborhood Walk - Sometimes getting your bags packed, getting the kid(s) in the car, navigating traffic, finding parking, and doing the whole thing in reverse is simply TOO MUCH! Give yourself permission to get out and about in your neighborhood. This could simply be a walk/stroll/bike ride around your house. Go on your own, or invite a friend if you’re looking for some social connection!
Picnic in the Park - Packing up a picnic basket can be part of the fun for older kids, and taking time to sit and enjoy the outdoors can be a wonderful way to mindfully engage with your child and the world around you.
Botanical Gardens or Regional Parks - I have had good luck with these places being uncrowded, accessible, and calm, but still enjoyable for kids.
Zoos or Children's Museums - These can be really chaotic on weekends, but can be wonderful on weekdays if you have the chance to visit them!
Libraries - Some offer children’s activities or storytimes, but feel free to avoid these if you’d prefer to simply sit with your child and read!
Staying home - You don’t need to go on “outings” every day - many HSP parents I know aim for only once per week. Sometimes, the best thing for you and/or your child is to simply stay home, cuddle up, nap, watch a show together, read, play a game, or whatever else brings you joy and calm!
What are your favorite outings as a family? I’d love to hear your thoughts! And if you’re looking for more support for you as an HSP parent, or guidance around parenting your HSP child, check out my Resources Page!
Why are Birthday Parties so Hard for HSPs?
This week’s blog topic is a fun one! I’ve had several HSP clients express to me their frustration with children’s birthday parties, and have spent time reflecting on why birthday parties feel so challenging for both Highly Sensitive Parents and Highly Sensitive children.
So why DO children’s birthday parties tend to be so painful for HSPs?
For attendees (children or adults), there tends to be a relatively high level of chaos. Whether the party takes place at a playground, a home, or a party facility, it’s almost certainly going to be loud and boisterous. Overstimulation is pretty much a given. Additionally, you may not know many people there, so there’s an added element of the energy that it requires to make small talk with people for a couple of hours. Of course, there’s also the preparation - RSVPing, buying a gift, transportation - and the effort it takes to wind down after the sugar rush of birthday cake.
For HSP parents who are hosting a child’s birthday party, we can add a few more items to the list of potential stressors. Settling on a time and place, developing a guest list (and trying not to offend anyone), sending out invitations and collecting RSVPs, coordinating vendors, creating goody bags, corralling gifts and sending out thank you notes… the list goes on and on!
Let me pause here to acknowledge that, at least in many communities in the United States, there are pressures put on parents to “do” a birthday party in a certain way. We see picture-perfect parties on Instagram and Pinterest, and there is a continuous pressure placed on parents to give their children exceptional childhoods, including lavish parties. Let this blog be a reminder that we CAN opt out of most (or all!) of the above, and don’t need to break our budget or drive ourselves to a nervous breakdown just to provide our kids with a “perfect” birthday party.
So far, my kids have celebrated a cumulative total of 13 birthdays, so I have some experience in planning how to celebrate their birthdays each year. I’m sharing a few ideas below that may be supportive for HSP parents and HSP kids around birthday celebrations - feel free to take them as your own, and release yourself from the expectations that may not work well for you or your family!
If your child is invited to a birthday party that you know will likely be overwhelming (I’m looking at you, Chuck E Cheese and Go-Kart parties), know that you can opt out. If you are an HSP, perhaps a non-HSP partner or family member can take your child. If your child is an HSP and you know it may be overstimulating for them, you can either choose to opt out, or simply to attend for part of the party and leave a bit early.
If you are planning your own child’s party, consider what you can do to relieve some of the stress. For younger children, “themed” birthday parties with decorations, cakes, and goody bags are simply unnecessary - unless, of course, you are genuinely excited about making this happen! Shameless admission: I have only ONCE created goody bags for one of my kids’ birthday parties, and never plan to do it again. They require so much work, and most of the time, the items just get broken or tossed within a few days. Again, if you love making goody bags, more power to you, but if you don’t want to take the time or energy, give yourself permission to skip it.
Consider hosting the party on your patio or at a local playground, ordering a few pizzas, and just showing up. For lower-key birthday parties, sending out formal invitations and tracking RSVPs can be let go in lieu of just texting a few friends or family members with the time and place. This year, I’m planning on texting a few of my son’s friends to gather at a local park and bring soccer balls for a soccer party. I’ll probably grab a cake and some juice boxes from the grocery store, and call it good!
Consider skipping a Birthday Party and instead gifting your child with a special experience. Last year, my family went to Legoland for a couple of days (we already had passes, so this was not an extra expense), and stayed overnight at the adjoining hotel for my son’s birthday. It was super memorable and fun for all of us, and honestly cost about the same as hosting a birthday party for a group of friends (but with a lot less stress!) Of course, you can save even more money and stress by simply visiting a state park or beach, going camping, or just gathering a few friends at the neighborhood pool or park. For many years when my kids were little, we just had some friends over on our patio for an afternoon - that’s it!
I hope you feel empowered to release some of the intense expectations around attending or planning kids’ birthday parties as an HSP! I’d love to hear some of your thoughts or experiences in the comments below so that we can learn from each other about what does (and doesn’t) work!
If you haven’t yet, I invite you to sign up for my email newsletter so that you don’t miss any announcements about new blogs or offerings from Highly Sensitive Parenthood. As a bonus, you’ll receive a free printable PDF with "5 Tips to Manage Overstimulation for HSP Parents!”
3 Signs of Sensory Overwhelm in Highly Sensitive Children
Avoidance, tears, and big emotions - these are just a few of the ways that sensory overload can show up in Highly Sensitive (HSP) Children! While the HSP trait includes many wonderful gifts to children and those who love them - empathy, awareness, and thoughtfulness, just to name a few - it also can lead to some intense overwhelm for HSP children. While each child is different, many Highly Sensitive children struggle with both environmental overstimulation as well as emotional overwhelm.
Many HSP children find crowded places, loud classrooms, or scratchy fabrics to be overstimulating. Additionally, older HSP children often feel emotionally overwhelmed - whether due to their own deep and complex feelings, or due to “taking on” the emotions of their friends and family. While the causes of overwhelm can differ from child to child, we can identify some relatively common “warning signs” that your HSP child is overstimulated. Let’s look at a few:
Avoidance - When things are feeling overwhelming, many HSPs have the desire to simply avoid them or escape them. For example, if a child is feeling overstimulated at a loud sporting event, they may cover their ears and ask to leave. You might spot avoidance prior to certain situations, too - such as a child feeling upset about having to go to school or attend a certain function, and asking to stay home instead. Or, you might notice your child covering their eyes, ears, or even retreating to a quieter space such as a bathroom or outdoors.
Tears - For younger children, tantrums can be a sign of sensory overwhelm. At times, though, overstimulation can lead to quiet tears or other forms of emotional distress. Crying can actually provide some benefits for HSPs (see my blog on “The Benefits of Crying for Sensitive Parents” to learn more). For Highly Sensitive Children, crying can provide an emotional release, as well as signal to parents or caregivers that the child is in distress and may need help.
Big Emotions - HSPs tend to feel things deeply. While this means that positive emotions - joy, love, excitement - can feel magnified for HSPs, so too can negative emotions such as anxiety, anger, or irritability. When you notice that your Highly Sensitive child is feeling extra worried, upset, or grumpy, these may be signals that they are feeling overstimulated. Sometimes the source of overstimulation may be obvious to you; perhaps they’ve had a busy day at school followed by a sports practice and a dinner at a loud restaurant. Other times, you may need to ask them or simply observe or reflect on their experiences and schedule in order to determine what may be causing your child’s overwhelm.
When a child is overstimulated and signaling this through avoidance, tears, or big emotions, it’s our job as parents to help them to navigate that situation. Usually, this means doing what we can to reduce or eliminate the source of overstimulation, as well as providing our child with ways to cope or calm. Something as simple as a hug, an offer of a snack, or making a plan to leave the situation can go a long way towards reducing your child’s overwhelm.
Additionally, the more you and your child become aware of the sources and “warning signs” of overstimulation, the more you can do to reduce the likelihood of overstimulation occurring in the first place! My “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” course takes a deeper look at how parents and caregivers can support their HSP children in meaningful, practical ways. If you’re interested in learning more about the HSP trait and your child, and want to empower your child with an awareness of their gifts as well as confidence in navigating some of the challenges they may be facing, visit the course information page to learn more!
The Gifts of Sensitivity and Being an HSP
As I was looking over my previous blog posts and planning to write my next batch, I was dismayed to discover that I had never written a dedicated blog about the Gifts of Sensitivity! Given that one of my driving values as the creator of Highly Sensitive Parenthood is to empower parents and children to celebrate their sensitivity, this is a big oversight - and I apologize! I definitely go into depth about the positive aspects of the HSP trait in my Courses, but I want to take some time here on the blog to recognize the many gifts of being an HSP. If you’re new to the HSP trait, make sure you also check out my blog on “What is an HSP and how do I know if I am Highly Sensitive?”
First of all, HSPs experience a greater Depth of Processing than do non-HSPs. This means that we tend to think more deeply, take additional time to process, and are able to see situations from a variety of perspectives. We tend to make decisions that are well thought out and reflective of our values, meaning that we tend to avoid careless mistakes (at least on a large scale). For HSP parents, this can mean being intentional about how we parent our children, making wise decisions on behalf of our families (and ourselves), and offering our families a nuanced understanding of life rather than just glossing over the more challenging aspects of experience.
Furthermore, HSPs exhibit enhanced Empathy and Emotional Intelligence. We are able to easily understand the emotions of others, and often have a sense of how to respond in helpful ways when others are struggling. Additionally, we tend to bond deeply with others and recognize when something is “off” within our relationships or with our loved ones’ well-being. As Highly Sensitive parents, we may feel a deep connection with our children, which can include an ability to empathize with and understand their emotions, even if they seem irrational or inscrutable to other adults in their life. This can help us to respond quickly and effectively when our children (or other loved ones) are upset.
Lastly, HSPs tend to experience enhanced Sensitivity to Subtle Stimuli. We are attuned to small details and the beauty of the world around us, and can take deep enjoyment from this! Of course, there can be challenges here, too, such as being overstimulated by chaotic environments or changes in routine. By and large, though, this sensitivity means that HSPs are uniquely able to enjoy sensory experiences such as listening to music, enjoying the beauty of a loved one, and noticing the view rather than just rushing through life. For parents who are Highly Sensitive, this can equate to a deep enjoyment of our children’s beauty - for example, my sons’ eye colors, smiles, and the smattering of freckles across their noses never cease to bring me joy, even in moments where I am frustrated or challenged by parenting them. Additionally, this sensitivity to subtle stimuli naturally leads to HSP parents creating calm, beautiful environments and lives for our children - or at least, working towards this in a world that is becoming increasingly chaotic and demanding.
So there you have it - just a few of the many gifts of being a Highly Sensitive person and how they can benefit HSP parents and their children and families. I also recognize that the HSP trait shows up differently for everybody, and your experience might run counter to what I’ve highlighted, or include gifts and benefits that I didn’t outline here! I’d love for you to share your own experiences of being an HSP and/or HSP parent below in the comments section. And if you’re interested in digging deeper into your HSP trait, check out the many resources available at www.highlysensitiveparenthood.com!
Trusting Your Intuition in Parenting HSP Kids
Guest Author: Lauren Hunter
As is often said, parenting is perhaps the most competitive sport. I found this out the hard way with my first baby, who seemed to come into this world with higher needs than my friend’s babies. I joined the usual mom support groups: La Leche League, mommy and me classes, and a new moms group at church. As I looked around, other babies seemed happy and peaceful; mine was irritable, fussy, and not at all pleased to be in the world. While I didn’t know about the Highly Sensitive Person trait at the time, my baby was definitely sensitive–in every conceivable way. I was also a highly sensitive mom, attuned to my baby yet frustrated that I couldn’t seem to meet his many needs. I embarked on a journey to understand my new identity as a mother and to find my intuition as a parent of highly sensitive children.
Initially, I checked out parenting books from the library by the armful and combed the internet for advice. My friends at the time were implementing Babywise, Ferber, and other strict baby-training methods; meanwhile, I was up every hour and a half with my greedy nurser who could not bear to be apart from me and wanted to feed as frequently as possible. He wouldn’t fall asleep alone, and never slept in his crib despite our trying. Co-sleeping was the only way I got any rest. None of the books' methods worked, including crying it out, which traumatized both my husband and I, not to mention our son.
Several months into the parenting journey, I realized that few books helped with my particularly challenging baby. Then, I came across Dr. Sears’ Fussy Baby Book. It was the only book that had advice meant for parents of high-need babies. I returned all the other books, I stopped searching the internet, and I quit talking to my mom-friends about their (easy) babies.
I decided the only way I was going to make it through this experience was to trust my own intuition and lean into books and advice that supported the road I was on. It wasn’t easy, but this lesson I learned with my first child set me up well for harnessing my sensitivity and becoming an intuitive parent.
Being Highly Sensitive and Becoming an Intuitive Parent
When survival is on the line (a mother cannot survive without sleep) you are forced to dig deep. Everything was hard with my first child: sleep was elusive, nursing was incredibly challenging, and he fussed and would hardly go to daddy so I could get a break. He wouldn’t go to any other caregivers until close to one. After a few months of struggling against these hard realities, I accepted that God must think highly of me to give me such a challenge right out of the parenting gate.
When I put the books away and said goodbye as best I could to avoid the comparisonitis during playdates, I became a better mom. Instead of asking for advice and worrying about whether I was doing a good enough job, I tried to get quiet and attend to his needs when he fussed and just be there in the way that he seems preprogrammed to need me. Instead of railing against the situation, I leaned in and rose to the challenge. New freedom emerged. I recognized that I was the only mom assigned to this child and his needs were my responsibility to attend to. While I did have part-time consulting work to return to after two months off, I inched back and only said yes to what I could handle given my new challenges.
Becoming an intuitive parent requires you to listen intently to yourself, to reduce the demands you ask of yourself in times of trial, to limit your expectations of anything beyond survival, and to be present in the moment as much as possible.
That first year was the hardest year of my life, but I wouldn’t change the lessons I learned that made me into the parent I am today. I went on to have three more kids and used many of the same intuitive parenting techniques with my subsequent children, aiming to meet each of their needs as best I could.
My oldest baby boy is now 20 and in college. He’s well-adjusted, loving, kind, confident, and not at all needy.
Intuitive Parenting in the Baby and Toddler Years
During the baby and toddler years, being intuitive looks like lots of holding and snuggling (if your child responds to touch positivity), nursing on demand, co-sleeping or using a co-sleeper bed, limited separation from mom and dad, and providing closeness as much as the child needs.
Some people assume that kids who are parented according to their needs become demanding tyrants. In my experience, this was not the case. When my babies or toddlers needed extra cuddling, extra help, or extra love, I merely provided it because I could. Many times, they would feel confident to go in the nursery at church or stay with a friend’s kids for a few hours because they were tanked up with closeness and love from me.
As they mature, children begin naturally separating and not needing 24/7 connection, but every child is wired differently. That’s where listening to your intuition can become the Highly Sensitive Person’s superpower. At the time, I didn’t know about the HSP trait. But in looking back, I see that I was incredibly sensitive to my children’s needs and it became something I could use to quickly anticipate their needs to avoid meltdowns.
Intuitive Parenting in the School-Age Years
As your child leaves for kindergarten and grows from a young school-aged child to an older school-aged child, massive change takes place. In the younger years, you can use your sensitivity to see what your child needs before and after the experience of going to school.
Whether your child is an HSP or not, take them for a tour of the kindergarten room. Go through the steps of getting ready, walking to school, and even practice saying goodbye. A good intuitive parent anticipates the skills a child will need to do what is asked of them. Aim to avoid comparing yourself to other parents (which is nearly impossible).
Take time to listen to yourself and what you need to obtain closeness with your child. Ask them what they need and offer to provide what you can to fulfill their needs. It isn’t always a perfect match, but explaining to a child when the time for closeness and connecting will come can go a long way in maintaining connection.
Intuitive Parenting in the Teen Years
As Highly Sensitive Children mature, they frequently take two steps forward and one step back. Some kids are more outgoing; others are incredibly anxious or worried about their appearance. Schools today require so much group work and presentations from the front of the class. For HSP kids, finding the right school situation can be vital to meet their needs. Some prefer a normal public school environment; others thrive in a charter or home school setting.
During the teen years, I’ve found that intuitive parenting looks like listening to your teen as they individuate, learn who they are, take risks, and subsequently fail and need support. Peer friendships are huge and your kids will look to you for guidance on how to navigate drama in peer relationships, especially the girls. Don’t jump in and try to fix, but aim to listen, ask questions, and allow your teens to intuit their own responses. You can pass down your intuitive parenting style to your kids and they will become the type of people others love to be around.
Top Tips for Being an Intuitive Parent to Highly Sensitive Children:
Listen to your gut when you know something is wrong
Make a decision to meet a baby’s every need as best you can
Let go of the shoulds and coulds; focus on the have-to’s
Aim for close attachment and connection to determine what’s going on in your kids lives
Spend individual time with each child on a daily/weekly basis; show interest in their worlds and ask sensitive questions about their friends, classes, and feelings
As kids mature, give them permission not to share if they don’t want to; show them respect and give it as needed
At the end of the day, you are uniquely wired to meet your children’s needs. As they grow up, there will of course be some needs that you cannot, or should not, fill. By listening to their needs and getting sage advice from other wise parents when appropriate, you can become a great parent who is sensitive and intuitive to her kids’ needs.
Links:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intuitive-parent/201508/the-intuitive-parent
About Lauren Hunter
Just a few years ago, Lauren Hunter discovered that she was a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), suddenly so many things started making sense. She's been a writer, poet, musician, and communication professional for over two decades and now enjoys exploring this journey with others as the editor-in-chief of https://hspjourney.com. She lives in Northern California with her husband and their four children. Her latest book is Write Your Journey: A Step-by-Step Guide to Write Your Life Story Fast.
Introducing the “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Course
While my original vision for Highly Sensitive Parenthood was to simply support HSP parents through the joys and challenges of parenthood, I noticed that I had many parents coming to me with questions about how they could support their HSP child. Once it became clear that parents were looking for support to better understand and support their child’s sensitivity, I knew that I had to develop the “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” course.
Over the last several months, I’ve worked hard to dive into the research, create unique resources, and record videos for the “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” course - and I’m thrilled to announce that it’s here! The course releases on March 1, and is available for a presale-only price of $99 (it’ll bump up to $129 after March 5).
If you think this course might be helpful for you or a loved one, read on!
The “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Course includes 7 Video-based Modules and accompanying printable materials that you can access on your own time, including:
Module 1: The HSP Trait & Your Child
Module 2: Celebrating the Gifts of your Highly Sensitive Child
Module 3: Recognizing the Challenges of your Highly Sensitive Child
Module 4: Identifying Calming & Coping Skills
Module 5: Building Resilience & Managing Challenging Moments
Module 6: Managing Overwhelm or Frustration as a Parent of a Highly Sensitive Child
Module 7: Advocating for your Child in Educational, Medical, and Social Settings
BONUS: Course Materials & Resources, including printable materials that you can use with your child or with people who support your child
BONUS: Course Module Transcript E-book with written descriptions of each module's content, in case videos aren't your thing, as well as actionable reflections to help you put module content into practice.
The “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Course is for you if…
You’re a mother, father, grandparent, or other caregiver of a Highly Sensitive (HSP) or Deeply Feeling Child who wants to learn more about the trait of High Sensitivity.
You want to support and celebrate your child’s unique gifts, including empathy, self-awareness, and the ability to notice and meaningfully reflect on the world around them.
You want to help your child to minimize the challenges of the HSP trait, including overstimulation and intense emotions.
You are seeking concrete ideas, skills, and tools to support your Highly Sensitive Child through challenging moments
You sometimes struggle with your own frustration or uncertainty with how to respond to your child’s emotions or behaviors
You seek to advocate for your child’s unique needs (and strengths) with their teachers, coaches, family members, or other loved ones.
I’ve built this course just for parents and caregivers of Highly Sensitive children, and drawn on my professional and personal experience working with HSPs to offer you valuable information, opportunities for reflection, and concrete ideas and strategies to support and empower your Highly Sensitive Child.
I hope you’ll join me in “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child!” If you have any thoughts or questions about the Course, please feel free to email me at amy@highlysensitiveparenthood.com and I’ll get back to you!
3 Things NOT to Say to your Highly Sensitive Child
As a fellow parent of a Deeply Feeling or Highly Sensitive Child (HSC), I know that it can be difficult to know what to say to our children when they’re upset, particularly when we are frustrated! Last week, I shared a few statements that you can try incorporating into your communication with your child. This week, I’m reflecting on three statements that we should avoid saying to our child.
Full disclosure: I have definitely said some of these “no no” statements to my HSC. None of us are perfect parents! But by being aware that some statements can be hurtful to our children - even counterproductive in working through difficult emotions and behaviors - we can adjust how we talk to them. That said, here are a few statements to try to NOT say to your Highly Sensitive Child:
1. Why are you so sensitive?
One of the most powerful ways that you can support your Highly Sensitive Child is to examine your own internal beliefs about sensitivity, and to let go of any unhelpful beliefs that sensitivity is a flaw or a weakness. If you notice that you are saying things to your child like “Why are you so sensitive?” or “Stop crying, it’s not that big of a deal!” take a step back and reflect. In all likelihood, these statements will do nothing to reduce your child’s sensitivity, they will simply cause them to feel shame about their emotions and sensitivity.
2. Hurry up and do it, it’ll be fine!
Highly Sensitive Children have a common tendency to “Pause to Check” - they like to observe, gather information, and process for a bit before jumping into a new situation or activity. This is part of how their brains work, and actually serves to protect them from risky situations or decisions throughout their lives. Some parents become frustrated, however, when their child is not eager to “jump right in” to a new activity. When starting a new activity - let’s say, riding a bike - it’s critical that you let your sensitive child take the time to observe and adjust. This could include watching other children ride bikes, spending some time learning about bikes and their parts, sitting on the bike, using training wheels, etc. Resist the urge to push your child too quickly towards intense engagement in a new activity. Doing so often backfires and creates fear or resistance towards that activity. If you let them proceed at their own pace (with plenty of encouragement - “I’m proud of you for trying! I know you’re feeling a bit nervous, but I can see you’re making progress already!”) they are much more likely to build confidence and engage in the activity in a way that feels comfortable for them.
3. Stop feeling ____, it’s not that big of a deal!
Have you ever been told to “stop feeling upset,” “stop crying,” or to “just calm down?” I challenge you to identify even one instance in which hearing these comments actually helped you to feel better! When your child is upset, they need to hear that their emotions are valid. Some variation of “I see that you’re feeling…/I understand why you feel…/It’s okay to feel…” sets the stage for your child to feel understood and supported. Our goal as parents is not to magnify their emotions, but simply to recognize their emotions so that we can respond to them in productive ways. Once your child feels understood, they’ll be more open to receiving comfort in the form of cuddles, taking a break, or a variety of coping/calming skills. It’s a win-win for both ourselves and our kids!
If you found these tips helpful, I want to encourage you to check out my “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Online Course! Based on my professional and personal experience with Highly Sensitive Children (HSC’s), I’ve developed this online, video-based course that helps parents and caregivers to better understand, support, and advocate for their Sensitive Kids. It’s a comprehensive resource with information, printable resources, and simple but powerful tools to not only support your child, but to teach them to be an empowered Highly Sensitive Person.
You can find more about the “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Course by clicking the button below.
3 Things to Say to your Highly Sensitive Child
If you’re a parent of a Deeply Feeling or Highly Sensitive Child (HSC), you know that it can sometimes be challenging to know how to manage intense emotions and upsetting situations. Beyond that, it’s important to you to build up your child’s self-esteem and resilience so that they can thrive in day-to-day life. While each child is unique, the following ways of communicating with your child are designed to provide your child with a boost of confidence and the sense that you understand and know how to support them:
I’m so proud of you for…
It’s okay to feel…
It looks like you are feeling ______. Would it help to ________?
I’m so proud of you for…
Telling your Highly Sensitive Child that you are proud of them not only strengthens your bond with them, but also provides them with a confidence boost! While it’s totally fine to praise your child for their accomplishments, try to focus most of your praise on their efforts. For example, instead of saying “I’m so proud of you for scoring that goal!” try saying “I’m so proud of you for being a kind teammate and trying some new soccer skills out today!” Highly Sensitive Children tend to have a strong “Pause to Check” mentality, meaning that they often need time to observe situations and practice new skills before feeling confident in their abilities. Praising your child’s courage, persistence, and effort can go a long way towards making them feel confident and capable.
It’s okay to feel…
Sometimes our child’s emotions seem extreme or nonsensical to us as parents - especially if you are not a Highly Sensitive Person yourself. It can be tempting to try to convince your child that they shouldn’t be feeling what they’re feeling (“Cheer up, it’s not a big deal!” or “Stop crying, you know your brother didn’t mean to hurt you.”) If we think about our own experience, however, it’s easy to recognize that if someone spoke to us like that, we would feel completely invalidated and hurt! The easiest way to move through your emotions - or to help your child to do so - is to recognize that they are valid. For example, you could say “I’m sorry you’re feeling so sad that your brother pushed you. Let’s take some time to cuddle and then we can go talk to him about what happened.” Using this approach, the tears will start to dry up, and the situation will resolve much more smoothly than if you tried to deny your child’s feelings.
It looks like you are feeling ______. Would it help to ________?
One of the biggest challenges for Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), including children, is overstimulation. You can support your child by helping them to notice that they might be feeling overwhelmed, and then guiding them towards a solution. For example, if you’re at a playdate at a children’s museum and you see your child start to become grumpy or look like a deer in the headlights, you could say: “I’ve noticed that it’s pretty loud in here and that it’s been a while since lunch; it looks like you’re feeling a little bit overwhelmed. Would it feel good for you to go outside and have a snack?” Helping your Highly Sensitive Child to notice their own physical and mental state, and to recognize what they need to take care of themselves, is a tremendous gift that will serve them well as they become more independent.
If you found these tips helpful, I want to encourage you to check out my “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Online Course! Based on my professional and personal experience with Highly Sensitive Children (HSC’s), I’ve developed this online, video-based course that helps parents and caregivers to better understand, support, and advocate for their Sensitive Kids. It’s a comprehensive resource with information, printable resources, and simple but powerful tools to not only support your child, but to teach them to be an empowered Highly Sensitive Person.
You can find more about the “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Course by clicking the button below.
Is My Child Highly Sensitive?
Have you ever wondered if your child is Highly Sensitive?
While all children have preferences, emotions, and moments of sensitivity, around 15-20% of children exhibit the trait of High Sensitivity. The HSP trait is equally represented across genders and cultures, and is simply a trait (like height or introversion), not a flaw or a diagnosis. Gaining a deeper understanding of the trait of High Sensitivity will help empower you to better appreciate and support your unique child.
The pioneering researcher behind this trait, Elaine Aron, Ph.D., has created an acronym that helps us recognize Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), including Highly Sensitive Children (HSCs). I’ve adapted the DOES acronym with descriptions of how it may show up for HSCs:
Not all HSC’s exhibit each of the above tendencies, but you’ll likely recognize some of them in your child if they are indeed Highly Sensitive. Elaine Aron, Ph.D. has created an HSP Assessment for Children which can offer more clarity on whether or not your child could be Highly Sensitive.
If you feel that your child is Highly Sensitive - celebrate! HSPs have so much to offer the world. They tend to be thoughtful, curious, and loving towards others. You might also notice, however, that being Highly Sensitive comes with its challenges. Perhaps your child is bullied at school for crying easily, or you notice that your infant or toddler becomes distressed when in new situations or environments. Older children may feel “the weight of the world” on their shoulders and have difficulty managing the depth of their emotions and empathy.
Whatever your child’s unique gifts and challenges, I have a wonderful resource to offer you. Based on my professional and personal experience with Highly Sensitive Children (HSC’s), I’ve developed an online, video-based course called “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” that helps parents and caregivers to better understand, support, and advocate for their Sensitive Kids. It’s a comprehensive resource with information, printable resources, and simple but powerful tools to not only support your child, but to teach them to be an empowered Highly Sensitive Person.
You can find more about the “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Course by clicking the button below.