Why are Birthday Parties so Hard for HSPs?

This week’s blog topic is a fun one!  I’ve had several HSP clients express to me their frustration with children’s birthday parties, and have spent time reflecting on why birthday parties feel so challenging for both Highly Sensitive Parents and Highly Sensitive children.

So why DO children’s birthday parties tend to be so painful for HSPs? 

For attendees (children or adults), there tends to be a relatively high level of chaos.  Whether the party takes place at a playground, a home, or a party facility, it’s almost certainly going to be loud and boisterous.  Overstimulation is pretty much a given.  Additionally, you may not know many people there, so there’s an added element of the energy that it requires to make small talk with people for a couple of hours.  Of course, there’s also the preparation - RSVPing, buying a gift, transportation - and the effort it takes to wind down after the sugar rush of birthday cake.

For HSP parents who are hosting a child’s birthday party, we can add a few more items to the list of potential stressors.  Settling on a time and place, developing a guest list (and trying not to offend anyone), sending out invitations and collecting RSVPs, coordinating vendors, creating goody bags, corralling gifts and sending out thank you notes… the list goes on and on!  

Let me pause here to acknowledge that, at least in many communities in the United States, there are pressures put on parents to “do” a birthday party in a certain way.  We see picture-perfect parties on Instagram and Pinterest, and there is a continuous pressure placed on parents to give their children exceptional childhoods, including lavish parties.  Let this blog be a reminder that we CAN opt out of most (or all!) of the above, and don’t need to break our budget or drive ourselves to a nervous breakdown just to provide our kids with a “perfect” birthday party.

So far, my kids have celebrated a cumulative total of 13 birthdays, so I have some experience in planning how to celebrate their birthdays each year.  I’m sharing a few ideas below that may be supportive for HSP parents and HSP kids around birthday celebrations - feel free to take them as your own, and release yourself from the expectations that may not work well for you or your family!

• If your child is invited to a birthday party that you know will likely be overwhelming (I’m looking at you, Chuck E Cheese and Go-Kart parties), know that you can opt out.  If you are an HSP, perhaps a non-HSP partner or family member can take your child.  If your child is an HSP and you know it may be overstimulating for them, you can either choose to opt out, or simply to attend for part of the party and leave a bit early.  

• If you are planning your own child’s party, consider what you can do to relieve some of the stress.  For younger children, “themed” birthday parties with decorations, cakes, and goody bags are simply unnecessary - unless, of course, you are genuinely excited about making this happen!  Shameless admission: I have only ONCE created goody bags for one of my kids’ birthday parties, and never plan to do it again.  They require so much work, and most of the time, the items just get broken or tossed within a few days.  Again, if you love making goody bags, more power to you, but if you don’t want to take the time or energy, give yourself permission to skip it.

• Consider hosting the party on your patio or at a local playground, ordering a few pizzas, and just showing up.  For lower-key birthday parties, sending out formal invitations and tracking RSVPs can be let go in lieu of just texting a few friends or family members with the time and place.  This year, I’m planning on texting a few of my son’s friends to gather at a local park and bring soccer balls for a soccer party.  I’ll probably grab a cake and some juice boxes from the grocery store, and call it good!

• Consider skipping a Birthday Party and instead gifting your child with a special experience.  Last year, my family went to Legoland for a couple of days (we already had passes, so this was not an extra expense), and stayed overnight at the adjoining hotel for my son’s birthday.  It was super memorable and fun for all of us, and honestly cost about the same as hosting a birthday party for a group of friends (but with a lot less stress!)  Of course, you can save even more money and stress by simply visiting a state park or beach, going camping, or just gathering a few friends at the neighborhood pool or park.  For many years when my kids were little, we just had some friends over on our patio for an afternoon - that’s it!

I hope you feel empowered to release some of the intense expectations around attending or planning kids’ birthday parties as an HSP!  I’d love to hear some of your thoughts or experiences in the comments below so that we can learn from each other about what does (and doesn’t) work!

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