4 Ways to say "No" as an Empath or Highly Sensitive Person
(and how to manage upsetting people)
Have you ever found yourself wanting to say “no” or set a boundary with someone, but have really struggled to do so? You’re not alone! Many HSPs and Empaths have a really hard time saying “no” or setting boundaries. The last couple of blogs have focused on WHY it is difficult for HSPs to set boundaries and provided supportive affirmations around boundary-setting.
Boundary-setting is such an important skill for HSP and Empath parents (and people) to learn, as it helps protect our valuable time and energy. If we don’t set boundaries, we can inadvertently find ourselves flooded with activities or spending too much time around people who take advantage of our kindness. This has an immense impact on us, and when we are fatigued and frazzled, our parenthood journey is often affected as well.
Even when we know we want to say “no,” we can struggle with verbalizing it, particularly when we are concerned that the person hearing “no” will be upset. The people-pleaser in us may find it very difficult to set healthy boundaries, simply because we want to avoid displeasing people! One helpful strategy is to practice saying (or texting/emailing) boundary-setting responses, so that we can feel confident in our communication and not backtrack or stumble over words. Here are a few ways to say “no” that may feel comfortable for you as an HSP:
When someone asks for your time/energy/money:
1. “Let me think on that and let you know.”
This response is an easy way to put off a response until you have time to think about it. In fact, you may already know that the answer is “no” at the time you hear the request! In that case, responding with a “let me think on that” or “let me check my schedule” in the moment, then following it up with a more definitive “no” via text or email, can be easier than saying “no” to someone’s face!
2. “I’m so sorry, I’m not able to commit to that right now.”
In most cases, this is a valid and complete response. Occasionally, you might choose to qualify this response with “but I’d love to contribute/participate next year” or “but I’m happy to help in X way.” A word of caution, though: if you know that you would NOT like to participate in the future, simply leave it at “I’m so sorry, I’m not able to commit to that right now.” No need to pretend to be interested in or open to future involvement!
When someone has done/is doing something that you don’t like:
3. Simply ignore the person, or create physical distance between yourself and the person.
This is a simple response that creates a buffer between you and the person bothering you. It is totally okay to just try to not be around someone who bothers you, or to keep interactions brief and make your excuses early on. If the person upsetting you is someone you are required to be around for a work or family function, however, you may need to proceed to the next idea!
4. “When you say/do ____, I feel uncomfortable/upset. Please stop.”
This response can feel really intense for us HSPs, because most of us would be mortified if someone said this to us. Because of our ability to pick up on subtle cues, however, it almost never gets to the point where we are making other people uncomfortable or upset. Non-HSPs may need a more firm statement, like the one above, to really get the message!
How to manage when people are upset by your boundary-setting
Once we get the “no” out, we may be faced with someone else’s disappointment or upset. More often than not, the response we anxiously imagine is MUCH worse than the reality. Still, it can be hard to see disappointment or frustration show up when we say “no” or “I’m sorry, but I’m not able to do that.” When you feel guilty over letting someone down, it can be helpful to remind yourself that your intent with setting the boundary was to protect yourself and your family, not to upset someone else. Additionally, you might remind yourself that the disappointment or frustration that the other person might experience will likely be short-lived. For example, if you can’t make it to a coworker’s birthday party because your week is already too busy, they likely will miss your presence but not be truly upset at you.
Above all, the more you practice setting boundaries and saying “no” when needed, the more comfortable it will become over time. Perhaps choose to start small by saying no to additional responsibilities at work or turning down social invitations that are crowding your schedule. See how it feels to have more control of how you spend your time and energy. Let that feeling motivate you to continue setting healthy boundaries in work, parenthood, and your personal life!
Looking for more support in setting boundaries? Visit our Highly Sensitive Parenthood Resources page to check out our Toolkit and Course just for HSP and Empath parents.
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
