Highly Sensitive Parenthood Blog
How to Turn Overwhelming Spaces into Soothing Sanctuaries
with Rebecca Jo-Rushdy of Spark Joy and Flow
Our living spaces are more than just physical locations; they are extensions of our inner selves. The environment we create within our homes can significantly influence our moods and overall well-being. For HSP individuals, who are especially attuned to external stimuli, a cluttered or chaotic space can be particularly overwhelming. In my work as a therapist and coach, I work with many Highly Sensitive parents to identify how their home environments impact their well-being, and how to honor their needs for calm, intentional spaces.
With that, I’m so thrilled to share my conversation with Rebecca Jo-Rushdy of Spark Joy and Flow with the Highly Sensitive Parenthood community! Honestly, this has been one of my favorite podcast conversations EVER. We discuss the impact of our home environment on our mood and well-being, and chat about simple solutions for HSP folks and families to manage clutter and create systems that support calm and joy in our homes (yes, even with little ones around)!
You can listen in to our conversation via The Highly Sensitive Parenthood Podcast, or watch us chat on YouTube by clicking the buttons below. And don’t forget to scroll down to learn more about Rebecca and her offerings as a decluttering and wellness consultant!
Meet Rebecca Jo-Rushdy!
Rebecca specializes in guiding empaths to declutter and create harmonious spaces that ignite joy and a sense of flow. Her expertise is informed by her own experiences as a highly sensitive person, and she is passionate about helping others turn their emotional challenges into opportunities for growth and vitality.
In addition to her consulting work, Rebecca conducts wellness workshops and delivers motivational speeches to diverse audiences, including corporate, government, and non-governmental organizations. Her message centers on the transformative power of decluttering, both in our personal lives and professional endeavors, to enhance focus, productivity, and overall well-being.
Where to find Rebecca & Spark Joy and Flow:
1. Website
2. Instagram
3. Facebook
Hey New Subscribers - if you're looking for a bit more support around being a Highly Sensitive Parent or raising an HSP child, I've got you! I've created several resources, including Courses and Coaching packages, to meet your needs.
**YouTube Subscribers can access a special discount of 20% off of any courses or coaching at https://www.highlysensitiveparenthood.com/hspparentresources by using the code YOUTUBE at checkout.**
How to talk to a non-HSP Partner about your Sensitivity
In my work with HSP adults, one of the biggest challenges that comes up is having a non-HSP partner who has difficulty understanding the experience of being Highly Sensitive. Of course, there are many benefits to an HSP/non-HSP pairing - my husband is not an HSP and I am (usually) so grateful for his objectivity, ability to set healthy boundaries, and general steadiness! Those of you with HSP/HSP partner pairings can likely also name both benefits and drawbacks of having two sensitive partners navigating life together.
When an HSP feels misunderstood - or worse, judged - by their partner for their sensitivity, however, some problems can arise. Being an HSP is not a weakness or a flaw. It is something to be celebrated for its benefits (empathy, awareness, intentionality, etc) while accommodating some of the challenges that can arise, such as being easily overstimulated or experiencing compassion fatigue.
One way that we can help our non-HSP partners better understand and support us is to simply educate them on the HSP trait. I encourage you to send along this blog, and/or any of the blogs below, that resonate with you. Let them spark a discussion between you and your partner about how you experience the world! Here are a few basics about being an HSP:
What is HSP/High Sensitivity and how do I know if I'm an HSP?
Top 3 Challenges for Highly Sensitive Parents
How do I know if I am a Highly Sensitive (HSP) Parent?
Of course, we all experience the HSP trait in unique ways, so these are simply a jumping off point for further reflection and discussion! You might find that your gender, cultural norms, or personality has impacted your experience of being an HSP, or how other people perceive that trait in you. Bringing this up in conversation with your partner or loved one can be helpful. For example, you could say “In my family growing up, I was told to ‘stop crying’ and ‘quit being so sensitive.’ But I’ve come to realize that my sensitivity also offers many benefits - I love fully, and think deeply about our life together and what’s important to me. When I cry, it actually helps me release my emotions in a positive way. I’d love for you to help me continue to accept who I am while supporting me when things feel tough.” This is just one example of how you could begin to talk with a non-HSP partner about your sensitivity, depending on what that looks like for you.
Because this is such a common challenge for HSPs, I’ve dedicated an entire module of my Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course to “Helping Partners and Support People Understand Your HSP Trait!” In that Module, you’ll find a 4-page handout that you can simply print off or email to your non-HSP partner or loved ones, which pretty much does the work for you! In the video portion of that module, I also speak in depth about both HSP/HSP and HSP/non-HSP relationships, and share some practical tips to start the conversation with people in constructive yet loving ways.
You can learn more about the Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course by clicking the button below. If you have any questions, feel free to send me an email or comment below, and we’ll chat!
The Power of Micro-Breaks as an HSP Parent
Let’s be real, parenting is relentless. Many of us Highly Sensitive Parents don’t get nearly the amount of down time that we need to feel calm and energized. Instead, we find ourselves rushing from task to task, frantically trying to accomplish everything that needs to get done in a day.
First of all, this “busyness” is NOT a “you” problem - it’s a societal problem. Parents (particularly moms) have an immense amount of pressure put on them, and we were never meant to care for our children in such isolation. Throughout much of history, living in communities or villages meant that we had childcare (from family members or other parents), shared cooking or household chores, and just more social support. These days, many parents are expected to do all of that on their own, plus attend to modern-day tasks such as paperwork, emails, volunteering, birthday parties, etc! When parents work outside the home in addition to taking care of their children and household, this can add another layer of intensity to the schedule. Conversely, staying at home with your children can add another layer of emotional and sensory intensity for many HSPs. No matter what our lives look like, early parenthood is simply HARD.
All that said, I don’t want to minimize self-care or shame those of us who simply feel too busy to care for ourselves amidst the many responsibilities that our lives bring. Rather, I have a simple but powerful suggestion that can support any parent who is feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated: Micro-breaks!
One of my good friends (a mom of two young kids) recently set a goal for herself to have 20 minutes total of alone time per day. While ideally she would be getting much more than that, 20 minutes is what feels do-able right now. That’s okay! But protecting those 20 minutes, and being intentional about them, becomes extra important because the time is so precious. This is where micro-breaks come in.
I define a “micro-break” as between 1-10 minutes of downtime. Downtime can look like:
Laying down and closing your eyes
Doing a few yoga poses
A quick walk
Calling a friend
Watching a funny video
Mindfulness or breathing practices
Anything that feels calming or energizing, depending on what you need
Why 1-10 minutes? While many of us HSP parents would love to get 1-10 hours of alone time per day, it can be really difficult to find extended pockets of time to relax. Because of the difficulty, many of us simply give up and get no downtime, or when we get it, we’re so exhausted that we numbly scroll Instagram or rush around trying to find something else to do. By intentionally taking micro-breaks, we fully allow ourselves to relax into whatever it is we are doing to replenish ourselves.
I sometimes find it helpful to set a brief timer so that I can relax into that time fully - in that case, I’ll literally set a timer for 10 minutes, plop down on the couch, and read a few pages of a book. You might also simply pause and listen to a favorite song before getting out of your car, or walk once around the block. Similarly, taking 10 deep breaths or taking a minute or two to stretch is something that’s accessible to us most of the time, even when a child is crying or it’s time to prepare a meal.
These micro-breaks will not immediately resolve our stress and overwhelm, but they can take it down a few notches. By giving yourself permission to relax and take time for yourself, you replenish your energy and remind yourself that you are worthy of feeling good - you don’t exist simply to accomplish tasks or take care of others. That said, pause right now and think of one micro-break that feels achievable to you. Do it - right now if at all possible! Notice how it feels to take that time for yourself. I encourage you to incorporate micro-breaks into your daily routine. If you’re anything like me, it will make a world of difference for you as a Highly Sensitive Parent.
If you’re looking for more support for you as an HSP parent, or guidance around parenting your HSP child, check out my Resources Page!
Calm Outings for HSP Parents & Children
Last week, I took a good look at “Why are Birthday Parties so Hard for HSPs?” Reflecting on birthday parties got me thinking about the pressure many parents feel to go on fun outings with their kids, even when they cause overwhelm for the HSP parent and/or child.
Of course, HSPs still want to have fun, but sometimes our version of fun may look a bit different from that of the general public! This week, I’m suggesting some calm outings for HSP parents and HSP children to spark your imagination and give you some practical ideas about ways to connect with your child that don’t feel too draining or overwhelming.
Neighborhood Walk - Sometimes getting your bags packed, getting the kid(s) in the car, navigating traffic, finding parking, and doing the whole thing in reverse is simply TOO MUCH! Give yourself permission to get out and about in your neighborhood. This could simply be a walk/stroll/bike ride around your house. Go on your own, or invite a friend if you’re looking for some social connection!
Picnic in the Park - Packing up a picnic basket can be part of the fun for older kids, and taking time to sit and enjoy the outdoors can be a wonderful way to mindfully engage with your child and the world around you.
Botanical Gardens or Regional Parks - I have had good luck with these places being uncrowded, accessible, and calm, but still enjoyable for kids.
Zoos or Children's Museums - These can be really chaotic on weekends, but can be wonderful on weekdays if you have the chance to visit them!
Libraries - Some offer children’s activities or storytimes, but feel free to avoid these if you’d prefer to simply sit with your child and read!
Staying home - You don’t need to go on “outings” every day - many HSP parents I know aim for only once per week. Sometimes, the best thing for you and/or your child is to simply stay home, cuddle up, nap, watch a show together, read, play a game, or whatever else brings you joy and calm!
What are your favorite outings as a family? I’d love to hear your thoughts! And if you’re looking for more support for you as an HSP parent, or guidance around parenting your HSP child, check out my Resources Page!
Why are Birthday Parties so Hard for HSPs?
This week’s blog topic is a fun one! I’ve had several HSP clients express to me their frustration with children’s birthday parties, and have spent time reflecting on why birthday parties feel so challenging for both Highly Sensitive Parents and Highly Sensitive children.
So why DO children’s birthday parties tend to be so painful for HSPs?
For attendees (children or adults), there tends to be a relatively high level of chaos. Whether the party takes place at a playground, a home, or a party facility, it’s almost certainly going to be loud and boisterous. Overstimulation is pretty much a given. Additionally, you may not know many people there, so there’s an added element of the energy that it requires to make small talk with people for a couple of hours. Of course, there’s also the preparation - RSVPing, buying a gift, transportation - and the effort it takes to wind down after the sugar rush of birthday cake.
For HSP parents who are hosting a child’s birthday party, we can add a few more items to the list of potential stressors. Settling on a time and place, developing a guest list (and trying not to offend anyone), sending out invitations and collecting RSVPs, coordinating vendors, creating goody bags, corralling gifts and sending out thank you notes… the list goes on and on!
Let me pause here to acknowledge that, at least in many communities in the United States, there are pressures put on parents to “do” a birthday party in a certain way. We see picture-perfect parties on Instagram and Pinterest, and there is a continuous pressure placed on parents to give their children exceptional childhoods, including lavish parties. Let this blog be a reminder that we CAN opt out of most (or all!) of the above, and don’t need to break our budget or drive ourselves to a nervous breakdown just to provide our kids with a “perfect” birthday party.
So far, my kids have celebrated a cumulative total of 13 birthdays, so I have some experience in planning how to celebrate their birthdays each year. I’m sharing a few ideas below that may be supportive for HSP parents and HSP kids around birthday celebrations - feel free to take them as your own, and release yourself from the expectations that may not work well for you or your family!
If your child is invited to a birthday party that you know will likely be overwhelming (I’m looking at you, Chuck E Cheese and Go-Kart parties), know that you can opt out. If you are an HSP, perhaps a non-HSP partner or family member can take your child. If your child is an HSP and you know it may be overstimulating for them, you can either choose to opt out, or simply to attend for part of the party and leave a bit early.
If you are planning your own child’s party, consider what you can do to relieve some of the stress. For younger children, “themed” birthday parties with decorations, cakes, and goody bags are simply unnecessary - unless, of course, you are genuinely excited about making this happen! Shameless admission: I have only ONCE created goody bags for one of my kids’ birthday parties, and never plan to do it again. They require so much work, and most of the time, the items just get broken or tossed within a few days. Again, if you love making goody bags, more power to you, but if you don’t want to take the time or energy, give yourself permission to skip it.
Consider hosting the party on your patio or at a local playground, ordering a few pizzas, and just showing up. For lower-key birthday parties, sending out formal invitations and tracking RSVPs can be let go in lieu of just texting a few friends or family members with the time and place. This year, I’m planning on texting a few of my son’s friends to gather at a local park and bring soccer balls for a soccer party. I’ll probably grab a cake and some juice boxes from the grocery store, and call it good!
Consider skipping a Birthday Party and instead gifting your child with a special experience. Last year, my family went to Legoland for a couple of days (we already had passes, so this was not an extra expense), and stayed overnight at the adjoining hotel for my son’s birthday. It was super memorable and fun for all of us, and honestly cost about the same as hosting a birthday party for a group of friends (but with a lot less stress!) Of course, you can save even more money and stress by simply visiting a state park or beach, going camping, or just gathering a few friends at the neighborhood pool or park. For many years when my kids were little, we just had some friends over on our patio for an afternoon - that’s it!
I hope you feel empowered to release some of the intense expectations around attending or planning kids’ birthday parties as an HSP! I’d love to hear some of your thoughts or experiences in the comments below so that we can learn from each other about what does (and doesn’t) work!
If you haven’t yet, I invite you to sign up for my email newsletter so that you don’t miss any announcements about new blogs or offerings from Highly Sensitive Parenthood. As a bonus, you’ll receive a free printable PDF with "5 Tips to Manage Overstimulation for HSP Parents!”
3 Signs of Sensory Overwhelm in Highly Sensitive Children
Avoidance, tears, and big emotions - these are just a few of the ways that sensory overload can show up in Highly Sensitive (HSP) Children! While the HSP trait includes many wonderful gifts to children and those who love them - empathy, awareness, and thoughtfulness, just to name a few - it also can lead to some intense overwhelm for HSP children. While each child is different, many Highly Sensitive children struggle with both environmental overstimulation as well as emotional overwhelm.
Many HSP children find crowded places, loud classrooms, or scratchy fabrics to be overstimulating. Additionally, older HSP children often feel emotionally overwhelmed - whether due to their own deep and complex feelings, or due to “taking on” the emotions of their friends and family. While the causes of overwhelm can differ from child to child, we can identify some relatively common “warning signs” that your HSP child is overstimulated. Let’s look at a few:
Avoidance - When things are feeling overwhelming, many HSPs have the desire to simply avoid them or escape them. For example, if a child is feeling overstimulated at a loud sporting event, they may cover their ears and ask to leave. You might spot avoidance prior to certain situations, too - such as a child feeling upset about having to go to school or attend a certain function, and asking to stay home instead. Or, you might notice your child covering their eyes, ears, or even retreating to a quieter space such as a bathroom or outdoors.
Tears - For younger children, tantrums can be a sign of sensory overwhelm. At times, though, overstimulation can lead to quiet tears or other forms of emotional distress. Crying can actually provide some benefits for HSPs (see my blog on “The Benefits of Crying for Sensitive Parents” to learn more). For Highly Sensitive Children, crying can provide an emotional release, as well as signal to parents or caregivers that the child is in distress and may need help.
Big Emotions - HSPs tend to feel things deeply. While this means that positive emotions - joy, love, excitement - can feel magnified for HSPs, so too can negative emotions such as anxiety, anger, or irritability. When you notice that your Highly Sensitive child is feeling extra worried, upset, or grumpy, these may be signals that they are feeling overstimulated. Sometimes the source of overstimulation may be obvious to you; perhaps they’ve had a busy day at school followed by a sports practice and a dinner at a loud restaurant. Other times, you may need to ask them or simply observe or reflect on their experiences and schedule in order to determine what may be causing your child’s overwhelm.
When a child is overstimulated and signaling this through avoidance, tears, or big emotions, it’s our job as parents to help them to navigate that situation. Usually, this means doing what we can to reduce or eliminate the source of overstimulation, as well as providing our child with ways to cope or calm. Something as simple as a hug, an offer of a snack, or making a plan to leave the situation can go a long way towards reducing your child’s overwhelm.
Additionally, the more you and your child become aware of the sources and “warning signs” of overstimulation, the more you can do to reduce the likelihood of overstimulation occurring in the first place! My “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” course takes a deeper look at how parents and caregivers can support their HSP children in meaningful, practical ways. If you’re interested in learning more about the HSP trait and your child, and want to empower your child with an awareness of their gifts as well as confidence in navigating some of the challenges they may be facing, visit the course information page to learn more!
3 Signs of Sensory Overwhelm and Overstimulation in Highly Sensitive Adults
Overwhelm. Overstimulation. Sensitivity.
These words capture the more challenging side of the HSP trait for many adults. Of course, the HSP trait also offers many benefits and gifts to those who experience it - and if you’re looking to find new ways to celebrate your Sensitivity, check out my blog post on “The Gifts of Sensitivity and Being an HSP.” Once you feel empowered within your sensitivity, it can be helpful to recognize some of the challenges that might come up for you. For many HSPs, Sensory Overwhelm or Overstimulation is a major challenge. Don’t fear, however - once we are able to recognize signs that we are becoming overstimulated, we can start to take steps toward coping with Overstimulation (side note: I have two entire modules dedicated to this process in the Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course!)
So what does Overstimulation look like for HSP adults? My guess is you have some idea of what causes overstimulation for you. If not, here’s a hint: think about your five senses - you likely find at least one of them that’s particularly sensitive. For example some HSPs are bothered by bright lights, loud or repetitive noises, rough/sticky textures, etc. But how does overstimulation show up in our minds and bodies? While our experiences as HSPs are distinct, here are three common signs of Sensory Overwhelm and Overstimulation:
Physical sensations - These physical “warning signs” of overstimulation may be the most recognizable to you. One important thing to remember here is that when we are overstimulated, our nervous systems tend to go into “Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn” (more on that another time), so our bodies respond as if we are under physical threat, even if the “threat” is something relatively innocuous such as loud music or a child tugging at our shirt repeatedly. That said, our bodies react no differently than if we were being charged at by a lion, or experiencing a physical threat to our safety. When you’re overstimulated, you might notice physical symptoms such as rapid heartbeat, sweating, tightness in chest, jitters, muscle tension, and more. These sensations make it difficult to do the tasks we need to do as parents. Although many of us try to “push through” these sensations, ideally, we should do what we can to safely reduce the source(s) of your overstimulation and take steps to calm the body down.
Foggy or Irrational Thinking - When we are stressed or overstimulated, we might notice that we have less mental clarity. This can show up in many different ways, including difficulty making decisions, irrational thoughts and emotions, and/or a general sense of “brain fog,” especially when we are chronically overstimulated and our nervous system gets stuck in high gear. When this happens, our higher level thinking is compromised as our body and brain are simply focused on physical safety.
Irritability or withdrawal - This can intensify if we get “stuck” in overwhelm and overstimulation. You may find yourself responding to situations or loved ones with frustration, irritability, or even rage! Many HSPs are empathetic and gentle, and so irritability and anger can feel surprising to them. When you notice that you are angry, irritable, or becoming withdrawn, it’s likely due (at least in part) to overstimulation. Similarly, many HSPs have a sense of wanting to “escape” - the “flight” response - which can manifest as jittery energy, a desire to just get in the car and drive away, or hiding in a quiet room away from the source(s) of overstimulation.
By understanding the sources of overstimulation, and learning to recognize our own personal “warning signs” of overstimulation, we can take steps to reduce its impact in our lives and families. If you haven’t yet, you can receive a free printable PDF titled “5 Tips to Manage Overstimulation for HSP Parents” by signing up for our newsletter - where you’ll get more inspiration and wisdom for HSP parents and kids!
Trusting Your Intuition in Parenting HSP Kids
Guest Author: Lauren Hunter
As is often said, parenting is perhaps the most competitive sport. I found this out the hard way with my first baby, who seemed to come into this world with higher needs than my friend’s babies. I joined the usual mom support groups: La Leche League, mommy and me classes, and a new moms group at church. As I looked around, other babies seemed happy and peaceful; mine was irritable, fussy, and not at all pleased to be in the world. While I didn’t know about the Highly Sensitive Person trait at the time, my baby was definitely sensitive–in every conceivable way. I was also a highly sensitive mom, attuned to my baby yet frustrated that I couldn’t seem to meet his many needs. I embarked on a journey to understand my new identity as a mother and to find my intuition as a parent of highly sensitive children.
Initially, I checked out parenting books from the library by the armful and combed the internet for advice. My friends at the time were implementing Babywise, Ferber, and other strict baby-training methods; meanwhile, I was up every hour and a half with my greedy nurser who could not bear to be apart from me and wanted to feed as frequently as possible. He wouldn’t fall asleep alone, and never slept in his crib despite our trying. Co-sleeping was the only way I got any rest. None of the books' methods worked, including crying it out, which traumatized both my husband and I, not to mention our son.
Several months into the parenting journey, I realized that few books helped with my particularly challenging baby. Then, I came across Dr. Sears’ Fussy Baby Book. It was the only book that had advice meant for parents of high-need babies. I returned all the other books, I stopped searching the internet, and I quit talking to my mom-friends about their (easy) babies.
I decided the only way I was going to make it through this experience was to trust my own intuition and lean into books and advice that supported the road I was on. It wasn’t easy, but this lesson I learned with my first child set me up well for harnessing my sensitivity and becoming an intuitive parent.
Being Highly Sensitive and Becoming an Intuitive Parent
When survival is on the line (a mother cannot survive without sleep) you are forced to dig deep. Everything was hard with my first child: sleep was elusive, nursing was incredibly challenging, and he fussed and would hardly go to daddy so I could get a break. He wouldn’t go to any other caregivers until close to one. After a few months of struggling against these hard realities, I accepted that God must think highly of me to give me such a challenge right out of the parenting gate.
When I put the books away and said goodbye as best I could to avoid the comparisonitis during playdates, I became a better mom. Instead of asking for advice and worrying about whether I was doing a good enough job, I tried to get quiet and attend to his needs when he fussed and just be there in the way that he seems preprogrammed to need me. Instead of railing against the situation, I leaned in and rose to the challenge. New freedom emerged. I recognized that I was the only mom assigned to this child and his needs were my responsibility to attend to. While I did have part-time consulting work to return to after two months off, I inched back and only said yes to what I could handle given my new challenges.
Becoming an intuitive parent requires you to listen intently to yourself, to reduce the demands you ask of yourself in times of trial, to limit your expectations of anything beyond survival, and to be present in the moment as much as possible.
That first year was the hardest year of my life, but I wouldn’t change the lessons I learned that made me into the parent I am today. I went on to have three more kids and used many of the same intuitive parenting techniques with my subsequent children, aiming to meet each of their needs as best I could.
My oldest baby boy is now 20 and in college. He’s well-adjusted, loving, kind, confident, and not at all needy.
Intuitive Parenting in the Baby and Toddler Years
During the baby and toddler years, being intuitive looks like lots of holding and snuggling (if your child responds to touch positivity), nursing on demand, co-sleeping or using a co-sleeper bed, limited separation from mom and dad, and providing closeness as much as the child needs.
Some people assume that kids who are parented according to their needs become demanding tyrants. In my experience, this was not the case. When my babies or toddlers needed extra cuddling, extra help, or extra love, I merely provided it because I could. Many times, they would feel confident to go in the nursery at church or stay with a friend’s kids for a few hours because they were tanked up with closeness and love from me.
As they mature, children begin naturally separating and not needing 24/7 connection, but every child is wired differently. That’s where listening to your intuition can become the Highly Sensitive Person’s superpower. At the time, I didn’t know about the HSP trait. But in looking back, I see that I was incredibly sensitive to my children’s needs and it became something I could use to quickly anticipate their needs to avoid meltdowns.
Intuitive Parenting in the School-Age Years
As your child leaves for kindergarten and grows from a young school-aged child to an older school-aged child, massive change takes place. In the younger years, you can use your sensitivity to see what your child needs before and after the experience of going to school.
Whether your child is an HSP or not, take them for a tour of the kindergarten room. Go through the steps of getting ready, walking to school, and even practice saying goodbye. A good intuitive parent anticipates the skills a child will need to do what is asked of them. Aim to avoid comparing yourself to other parents (which is nearly impossible).
Take time to listen to yourself and what you need to obtain closeness with your child. Ask them what they need and offer to provide what you can to fulfill their needs. It isn’t always a perfect match, but explaining to a child when the time for closeness and connecting will come can go a long way in maintaining connection.
Intuitive Parenting in the Teen Years
As Highly Sensitive Children mature, they frequently take two steps forward and one step back. Some kids are more outgoing; others are incredibly anxious or worried about their appearance. Schools today require so much group work and presentations from the front of the class. For HSP kids, finding the right school situation can be vital to meet their needs. Some prefer a normal public school environment; others thrive in a charter or home school setting.
During the teen years, I’ve found that intuitive parenting looks like listening to your teen as they individuate, learn who they are, take risks, and subsequently fail and need support. Peer friendships are huge and your kids will look to you for guidance on how to navigate drama in peer relationships, especially the girls. Don’t jump in and try to fix, but aim to listen, ask questions, and allow your teens to intuit their own responses. You can pass down your intuitive parenting style to your kids and they will become the type of people others love to be around.
Top Tips for Being an Intuitive Parent to Highly Sensitive Children:
Listen to your gut when you know something is wrong
Make a decision to meet a baby’s every need as best you can
Let go of the shoulds and coulds; focus on the have-to’s
Aim for close attachment and connection to determine what’s going on in your kids lives
Spend individual time with each child on a daily/weekly basis; show interest in their worlds and ask sensitive questions about their friends, classes, and feelings
As kids mature, give them permission not to share if they don’t want to; show them respect and give it as needed
At the end of the day, you are uniquely wired to meet your children’s needs. As they grow up, there will of course be some needs that you cannot, or should not, fill. By listening to their needs and getting sage advice from other wise parents when appropriate, you can become a great parent who is sensitive and intuitive to her kids’ needs.
Links:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intuitive-parent/201508/the-intuitive-parent
About Lauren Hunter
Just a few years ago, Lauren Hunter discovered that she was a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), suddenly so many things started making sense. She's been a writer, poet, musician, and communication professional for over two decades and now enjoys exploring this journey with others as the editor-in-chief of https://hspjourney.com. She lives in Northern California with her husband and their four children. Her latest book is Write Your Journey: A Step-by-Step Guide to Write Your Life Story Fast.
Managing Holiday Stress for Highly Sensitive (HSP) Parents
If you close your eyes and think of the Holidays, what comes to mind? Is it:
Rushing around trying to purchase gifts for a long list of people?
Enjoying (and/or feeling overwhelmed by) getting your home decorated?
Making memories and carrying on family traditions with your own children?
Stressing about Holiday travel & finances?
Sadness, loneliness, grief, or other difficult emotions?
“It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” oversimplifies the matter for many Highly Sensitive Parents. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Eid, Solstice, or really any Holiday at any time of the year, you most likely have a complex experience of your chosen Holidays.
While the Holidays can be stressful for many people, parents are often burdened with additional responsibilities. For example, the past couple of weeks for me have included: planning and purchasing gifts for my kids’ teachers and coaches, volunteering for kids’ holiday parties, planning and cooking seasonal meals, purchasing gifts and stocking stuffers for my own kids, putting up holiday decorations, wrapping gifts to donate to families in need, making holiday travel plans, and much more. I’m guessing you can resonate with at least some of this!
As parents, we also carry the extra weight of trying to make the holidays meaningful and magical for our children, while also taking into account our own needs and limitations. Should we take our kids to see a Holiday Concert, even though tickets are a bit pricey and might stretch our budget? Do we skip or go to the local Santa’s Village that we know our kids will love, but which may be overstimulating for us? Do we agree to attend a boisterous family gathering on Christmas Eve to allow our kids to connect with cousins or grandparents, or do we stay at home for a more calm time with our immediate family, but risk creating tension with our extended family? There are no easy answers here.
I think it’s important to name many of the above challenges so that we can be honest with ourselves about how challenging the Holidays can be. We likely place unrealistic expectations on ourselves about being totally calm, organized, and joyfully present with our families. If we can recognize the many tasks and expectations on our plates, perhaps we can more easily engage in self-compassion and make some simple changes to reduce our Holiday stress.
So, how do we go about reducing this Holiday Stress?
You may have several ideas on how to make this season easier - feel free to jot them down and make them happen! I have one really easy idea - and it’s my gift to you! This year, I’ve put together a completely free (for now, anyway!) 5 Days to a Stress-Free Holiday Anti-Challenge. It’s a very simple, video-based challenge that you can do on your own time. Over the course of 5 videos, I encourage you to reflect on what brings peace and joy (and what brings overwhelm) during the Holidays, then provide you with a clear, simple system to move towards a less chaotic season. No commitments, no email address to put in, no cost (although I’d love for you to Subscribe to my YouTube Channel or email newsletter if you enjoy it!
Find the Stress-Free Holiday Anti-Challenge HERE.
Wishing you a peaceful holiday season!
Why Playdates can be Exhausting for HSP Parents
Any other HSP parents out there hate playdates? I’m right there with you! While spending time with other parents can feel life-giving, playdates can often be exhausting for highly sensitive moms and dads. I’ve given some thought to why playdates are uniquely draining, and I’ve realized that there are simply too many things to juggle:
1.) Watching your child - If you are at a park, playground, or someone else’s home, you are almost certainly expending a great deal of energy keeping an eye on your child. You don’t want them to hurt themselves, break something, or otherwise put themselves in a difficult situation. Additionally, they may have several needs that arise during the course of the playdate - hunger, toilet, tired, thirst, etc!
2.) Child/Child Dynamics - Depending on how comfortable your child is with their playmate, there may be some difficult or conflictual dynamics which arise. Not only are you required to navigate these with your child, but you are also needing to navigate respecting the other family’s parenting choices and an awareness of how your parenting might be perceived by the other parent.
3.) Getting to know the other parent(s) - While not all HSPs are Introverts, many of us are! In this case, it can be intense getting to know someone for the first time. We are flooded with visual and verbal information about this new person, and are trying to make a good impression while also ensuring that they feel comfortable and listened to. This alone can be exhausting, but when the above two factors are layered on top, playdates can really take a toll.
So, if playdates are exhausting, what is an HSP parent to do? We still often feel a responsibility to socialize our children and connect them with friends.
Preschool – even just a day or two per week –can be a fantastic opportunity for children to socialize in a way that doesn’t tax the energy of HSP parents too heavily.
Additionally, finding a more calm or structured activity can be a helpful way for you and your child to connect with other children and parents. For example, my neighborhood has a kid’s gardening club led by a volunteer, who provides an activity for the children. This can take the pressure off parents to entertain their children, or to come up with topics of conversation with other parents - the shared activity takes care of both of those. You may find music classes, parent-child yoga classes, library programs, or athletic activities in your community that can serve a similar purpose.
Lastly, don’t count playdates out completely! If you are honest with yourself about when they feel overwhelming for you, you can feel empowered to make changes in how you approach them. Perhaps only scheduling them once or twice per month, or limiting them to mornings rather than afternoons when both you and your child are tired, could help make playdates fun and worthwhile rather than draining. Be honest with yourself about your limitations and preferences! Doing so will make you a more functional and happy parent, which is pretty darn important.
If you’re interested in learning more about the nitty-gritty of thriving (not just surviving) as a Highly Sensitive Parent, check out my Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course!
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
4 Ways to say "No" as an Empath or Highly Sensitive Person
(and how to manage upsetting people)
Have you ever found yourself wanting to say “no” or set a boundary with someone, but have really struggled to do so? You’re not alone! Many HSPs and Empaths have a really hard time saying “no” or setting boundaries. The last couple of blogs have focused on WHY it is difficult for HSPs to set boundaries and provided supportive affirmations around boundary-setting.
Boundary-setting is such an important skill for HSP and Empath parents (and people) to learn, as it helps protect our valuable time and energy. If we don’t set boundaries, we can inadvertently find ourselves flooded with activities or spending too much time around people who take advantage of our kindness. This has an immense impact on us, and when we are fatigued and frazzled, our parenthood journey is often affected as well.
Even when we know we want to say “no,” we can struggle with verbalizing it, particularly when we are concerned that the person hearing “no” will be upset. The people-pleaser in us may find it very difficult to set healthy boundaries, simply because we want to avoid displeasing people! One helpful strategy is to practice saying (or texting/emailing) boundary-setting responses, so that we can feel confident in our communication and not backtrack or stumble over words. Here are a few ways to say “no” that may feel comfortable for you as an HSP:
When someone asks for your time/energy/money:
1. “Let me think on that and let you know.”
This response is an easy way to put off a response until you have time to think about it. In fact, you may already know that the answer is “no” at the time you hear the request! In that case, responding with a “let me think on that” or “let me check my schedule” in the moment, then following it up with a more definitive “no” via text or email, can be easier than saying “no” to someone’s face!
2. “I’m so sorry, I’m not able to commit to that right now.”
In most cases, this is a valid and complete response. Occasionally, you might choose to qualify this response with “but I’d love to contribute/participate next year” or “but I’m happy to help in X way.” A word of caution, though: if you know that you would NOT like to participate in the future, simply leave it at “I’m so sorry, I’m not able to commit to that right now.” No need to pretend to be interested in or open to future involvement!
When someone has done/is doing something that you don’t like:
3. Simply ignore the person, or create physical distance between yourself and the person.
This is a simple response that creates a buffer between you and the person bothering you. It is totally okay to just try to not be around someone who bothers you, or to keep interactions brief and make your excuses early on. If the person upsetting you is someone you are required to be around for a work or family function, however, you may need to proceed to the next idea!
4. “When you say/do ____, I feel uncomfortable/upset. Please stop.”
This response can feel really intense for us HSPs, because most of us would be mortified if someone said this to us. Because of our ability to pick up on subtle cues, however, it almost never gets to the point where we are making other people uncomfortable or upset. Non-HSPs may need a more firm statement, like the one above, to really get the message!
How to manage when people are upset by your boundary-setting
Once we get the “no” out, we may be faced with someone else’s disappointment or upset. More often than not, the response we anxiously imagine is MUCH worse than the reality. Still, it can be hard to see disappointment or frustration show up when we say “no” or “I’m sorry, but I’m not able to do that.” When you feel guilty over letting someone down, it can be helpful to remind yourself that your intent with setting the boundary was to protect yourself and your family, not to upset someone else. Additionally, you might remind yourself that the disappointment or frustration that the other person might experience will likely be short-lived. For example, if you can’t make it to a coworker’s birthday party because your week is already too busy, they likely will miss your presence but not be truly upset at you.
Above all, the more you practice setting boundaries and saying “no” when needed, the more comfortable it will become over time. Perhaps choose to start small by saying no to additional responsibilities at work or turning down social invitations that are crowding your schedule. See how it feels to have more control of how you spend your time and energy. Let that feeling motivate you to continue setting healthy boundaries in work, parenthood, and your personal life!
Looking for more support in setting boundaries? Visit our Highly Sensitive Parenthood Resources page to check out our Toolkit and Course just for HSP and Empath parents.
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
3 Affirmations to Support Healthy Boundaries for Empaths and Highly Sensitive People
This week’s blog is short but sweet. In last week’s blog, I explored WHY it is so difficult for HSPs and Empaths to set healthy boundaries. Understanding the WHY can help us deepen our self-knowledge and self-compassion, and get us ready to take active steps toward setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
The boundaries that HSP and Empath parents tend to struggle with are energetic and emotional. For example, many of us struggle with burning ourselves out in order to care for others, including our children! We also may find ourselves saying “yes” to commitments (kids sports, PTA/PTO, additional work responsibilities) when we truly don’t have the time, energy, or desire to say yes. Finally, we may struggle setting boundaries with the expectations of society or those in our inner circle. I hear from many HSP parents that it is really difficult to hold boundaries with their own parents or family members, who may have very different expectations about parenting and life choices.
All that said, I’d like to offer three powerful affirmations that support healthy boundary setting and maintenance for Highly Sensitive parents:
It is not my responsibility to manage other people's emotional responses - my duty is to take good care of myself and my family.
Even when I feel guilty about "rocking the boat," I can trust that I have the right to make healthy choices.
When other people don't accept my decisions/boundaries, I am able to hold firm rather than giving in to help them feel more comfortable.
Do any of these resonate with you? I encourage you to pick one or two affirmations and write them down in a place where you will see them regularly. Let the truth of these affirmations sink in, and let them support you towards healthier boundaries.
Looking for more support with boundary-setting and other challenging aspects of HSP Parenthood? Check out our Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course, which offers expert guidance and support just for HSP and Empath parents.
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
Why is it so difficult to set boundaries as an HSP or Empath?
So many of us HSP parents have a difficult time setting boundaries with our time, energy, and the people around us. As parents, we already put a great deal of our time and energy into caring for our children, leaving precious little left over for other people.
Many HSPs struggle with poor boundaries with their time and energy. We often say “yes” when we want to say “no,” and then end up with packed schedules or situations that don’t feel right to us. Additionally, many of us “let things slide” in suboptimal relationships, since it is uncomfortable for us to potentially upset or disappoint others.
Unfortunately, when we have poor boundaries, we end up being sucked dry by the needs and emotions of others, with no time or energy left to tend to ourselves. As parents, we are particularly susceptible to this overload and subsequent exhaustion. Parenthood is relentless, and requires us to give much of ourselves each and every day.
Why do we do this? A few reasons:
Almost all HSPs are Empaths: we notice and feel the emotions of others deeply. We are likely to see when those around us are suffering or needing something, and we are tempted to fill those needs ourselves. Too easily, we forget that we are just one person, and that we cannot take away the pain of everyone around us.
We want to avoid the discomfort of disappointing others. In the short term, avoiding setting boundaries or saying no feels more comfortable! It is hard to say “No, thanks” or “Not right now” to a person or cause that we care about. We don’t want to be perceived as cold or unfeeling—which is truly the opposite of who we are!
We may inadvertently believe that setting boundaries or saying “no” is unkind or wrong. Perhaps our upbringing or belief system taught us to “go go go” at all costs, leading us to believe that resting is “lazy” or “bad.” Or perhaps we have had an experience in which we set a boundary in a personal relationship–say, canceling a hangout with a friend because we were tired–and were made to feel bad about doing so. Perhaps it is time to examine if you hold either of these false beliefs, and take steps to let them go.
Above all, know you are not alone in having a hard time setting boundaries. This isn’t something to feel bad about; in fact, it reflects that you are a caring and empathetic person! But, if you’re anything like me, you could probably redirect some of your empathy and energy back to yourself, so that your beautiful way of being–caring, being fully present–is sustainable.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts! Drop a line in the comments below if you’d like, and don’t forget to read the next couple of blogs in this series! I’ll be sharing affirmations and specific how-tos around boundary-setting, especially for Highly Sensitive and Empath parents.
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator