Rage and the HSP Parent

I am not a runner, but a couple of weeks ago I ran three times in one week - about 2.5 miles each time.  Why, do you ask?  To blow off my rage!

I am NOT an “angry person.”  But since becoming a parent, I have begun to experience moments of anger that feel super intense, and which subsequently can produce feelings of guilt if I don’t take care of myself in the moment, and blow up at my kids or partner.  In my work as a therapist with other Highly Sensitive (HSP) parents, I’ve noticed that many other HSP parents experienced this shift towards feeling “mom/dad rage” after becoming parents, and are baffled and ashamed by suddenly becoming “an angry person.”

Here’s my take on what is happening: HSP parents are easily overstimulated, and children can be very overstimulating! Don’t forget that parenthood shifts other responsibilities as well - more laundry, more cooking, less sleep, less time to relax and have fun, etc. Many of us Sensitive or Empath parents are consistently under-supported and overwhelmed, and this combination will make even the kindest, most peaceful person feel upset, trapped, and ultimately angry. Let’s ask ourselves: “Is it rage/anger, or is it overstimulation?”

So, back to my week of running.  If I remember correctly, I was in the midst of a very busy workweek, managing concerns about COVID and other world news concerns, and the morning routine to get my two children off to school had been particularly difficult for a week or so.  So, by the time I finished work for the day, I had some major pent up anxiety and overstimulation, which if I was not careful would come out as irritability or rage towards my family.  While I definitely was irritable at times, choosing to go on a run and “blow off steam” was a great choice; I returned from each of these runs feeling more grounded and calm.  

Maybe this pattern of overstimulation -> irritability -> rage also resonates with you.  Remember back to the last time you felt irritable or angry while at home.  What was it that you needed?  I would imagine that the answer is often something like “peace and quiet” or “a break.”  These answers point towards a root cause of overstimulation and overwhelm - but they also point us to solutions for your rage.  Maybe, like me, you needed a break in the form of some intense physical activity.  Or perhaps you needed a nap, a long shower, or to connect with a friend.

Next time you feel rage or irritability rising, take a pause and notice what it is you are needing. Then, without guilt or shame, do your best to give yourself that thing (a break, exercise, social connection, sleep, a snack), etc. as soon as you can. Your irritability and rage may just be a nudge to take care of yourself.

I would love to hear from you about your experiences with irritability and rage as an HSP parent - drop them in the comments section below! And if you’re looking for more resources on how to manage overstimulation, check out our Highly Sensitive Parenthood Toolkit and Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course.

written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parenthood Coach and Educator