Highly Sensitive Parenthood Blog
How to talk to a non-HSP Partner about your Sensitivity
In my work with HSP adults, one of the biggest challenges that comes up is having a non-HSP partner who has difficulty understanding the experience of being Highly Sensitive. Of course, there are many benefits to an HSP/non-HSP pairing - my husband is not an HSP and I am (usually) so grateful for his objectivity, ability to set healthy boundaries, and general steadiness! Those of you with HSP/HSP partner pairings can likely also name both benefits and drawbacks of having two sensitive partners navigating life together.
When an HSP feels misunderstood - or worse, judged - by their partner for their sensitivity, however, some problems can arise. Being an HSP is not a weakness or a flaw. It is something to be celebrated for its benefits (empathy, awareness, intentionality, etc) while accommodating some of the challenges that can arise, such as being easily overstimulated or experiencing compassion fatigue.
One way that we can help our non-HSP partners better understand and support us is to simply educate them on the HSP trait. I encourage you to send along this blog, and/or any of the blogs below, that resonate with you. Let them spark a discussion between you and your partner about how you experience the world! Here are a few basics about being an HSP:
What is HSP/High Sensitivity and how do I know if I'm an HSP?
Top 3 Challenges for Highly Sensitive Parents
How do I know if I am a Highly Sensitive (HSP) Parent?
Of course, we all experience the HSP trait in unique ways, so these are simply a jumping off point for further reflection and discussion! You might find that your gender, cultural norms, or personality has impacted your experience of being an HSP, or how other people perceive that trait in you. Bringing this up in conversation with your partner or loved one can be helpful. For example, you could say “In my family growing up, I was told to ‘stop crying’ and ‘quit being so sensitive.’ But I’ve come to realize that my sensitivity also offers many benefits - I love fully, and think deeply about our life together and what’s important to me. When I cry, it actually helps me release my emotions in a positive way. I’d love for you to help me continue to accept who I am while supporting me when things feel tough.” This is just one example of how you could begin to talk with a non-HSP partner about your sensitivity, depending on what that looks like for you.
Because this is such a common challenge for HSPs, I’ve dedicated an entire module of my Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course to “Helping Partners and Support People Understand Your HSP Trait!” In that Module, you’ll find a 4-page handout that you can simply print off or email to your non-HSP partner or loved ones, which pretty much does the work for you! In the video portion of that module, I also speak in depth about both HSP/HSP and HSP/non-HSP relationships, and share some practical tips to start the conversation with people in constructive yet loving ways.
You can learn more about the Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course by clicking the button below. If you have any questions, feel free to send me an email or comment below, and we’ll chat!
The Power of Micro-Breaks as an HSP Parent
Let’s be real, parenting is relentless. Many of us Highly Sensitive Parents don’t get nearly the amount of down time that we need to feel calm and energized. Instead, we find ourselves rushing from task to task, frantically trying to accomplish everything that needs to get done in a day.
First of all, this “busyness” is NOT a “you” problem - it’s a societal problem. Parents (particularly moms) have an immense amount of pressure put on them, and we were never meant to care for our children in such isolation. Throughout much of history, living in communities or villages meant that we had childcare (from family members or other parents), shared cooking or household chores, and just more social support. These days, many parents are expected to do all of that on their own, plus attend to modern-day tasks such as paperwork, emails, volunteering, birthday parties, etc! When parents work outside the home in addition to taking care of their children and household, this can add another layer of intensity to the schedule. Conversely, staying at home with your children can add another layer of emotional and sensory intensity for many HSPs. No matter what our lives look like, early parenthood is simply HARD.
All that said, I don’t want to minimize self-care or shame those of us who simply feel too busy to care for ourselves amidst the many responsibilities that our lives bring. Rather, I have a simple but powerful suggestion that can support any parent who is feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated: Micro-breaks!
One of my good friends (a mom of two young kids) recently set a goal for herself to have 20 minutes total of alone time per day. While ideally she would be getting much more than that, 20 minutes is what feels do-able right now. That’s okay! But protecting those 20 minutes, and being intentional about them, becomes extra important because the time is so precious. This is where micro-breaks come in.
I define a “micro-break” as between 1-10 minutes of downtime. Downtime can look like:
Laying down and closing your eyes
Doing a few yoga poses
A quick walk
Calling a friend
Watching a funny video
Mindfulness or breathing practices
Anything that feels calming or energizing, depending on what you need
Why 1-10 minutes? While many of us HSP parents would love to get 1-10 hours of alone time per day, it can be really difficult to find extended pockets of time to relax. Because of the difficulty, many of us simply give up and get no downtime, or when we get it, we’re so exhausted that we numbly scroll Instagram or rush around trying to find something else to do. By intentionally taking micro-breaks, we fully allow ourselves to relax into whatever it is we are doing to replenish ourselves.
I sometimes find it helpful to set a brief timer so that I can relax into that time fully - in that case, I’ll literally set a timer for 10 minutes, plop down on the couch, and read a few pages of a book. You might also simply pause and listen to a favorite song before getting out of your car, or walk once around the block. Similarly, taking 10 deep breaths or taking a minute or two to stretch is something that’s accessible to us most of the time, even when a child is crying or it’s time to prepare a meal.
These micro-breaks will not immediately resolve our stress and overwhelm, but they can take it down a few notches. By giving yourself permission to relax and take time for yourself, you replenish your energy and remind yourself that you are worthy of feeling good - you don’t exist simply to accomplish tasks or take care of others. That said, pause right now and think of one micro-break that feels achievable to you. Do it - right now if at all possible! Notice how it feels to take that time for yourself. I encourage you to incorporate micro-breaks into your daily routine. If you’re anything like me, it will make a world of difference for you as a Highly Sensitive Parent.
If you’re looking for more support for you as an HSP parent, or guidance around parenting your HSP child, check out my Resources Page!
Introducing the “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Course
While my original vision for Highly Sensitive Parenthood was to simply support HSP parents through the joys and challenges of parenthood, I noticed that I had many parents coming to me with questions about how they could support their HSP child. Once it became clear that parents were looking for support to better understand and support their child’s sensitivity, I knew that I had to develop the “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” course.
Over the last several months, I’ve worked hard to dive into the research, create unique resources, and record videos for the “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” course - and I’m thrilled to announce that it’s here! The course releases on March 1, and is available for a presale-only price of $99 (it’ll bump up to $129 after March 5).
If you think this course might be helpful for you or a loved one, read on!
The “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Course includes 7 Video-based Modules and accompanying printable materials that you can access on your own time, including:
Module 1: The HSP Trait & Your Child
Module 2: Celebrating the Gifts of your Highly Sensitive Child
Module 3: Recognizing the Challenges of your Highly Sensitive Child
Module 4: Identifying Calming & Coping Skills
Module 5: Building Resilience & Managing Challenging Moments
Module 6: Managing Overwhelm or Frustration as a Parent of a Highly Sensitive Child
Module 7: Advocating for your Child in Educational, Medical, and Social Settings
BONUS: Course Materials & Resources, including printable materials that you can use with your child or with people who support your child
BONUS: Course Module Transcript E-book with written descriptions of each module's content, in case videos aren't your thing, as well as actionable reflections to help you put module content into practice.
The “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Course is for you if…
You’re a mother, father, grandparent, or other caregiver of a Highly Sensitive (HSP) or Deeply Feeling Child who wants to learn more about the trait of High Sensitivity.
You want to support and celebrate your child’s unique gifts, including empathy, self-awareness, and the ability to notice and meaningfully reflect on the world around them.
You want to help your child to minimize the challenges of the HSP trait, including overstimulation and intense emotions.
You are seeking concrete ideas, skills, and tools to support your Highly Sensitive Child through challenging moments
You sometimes struggle with your own frustration or uncertainty with how to respond to your child’s emotions or behaviors
You seek to advocate for your child’s unique needs (and strengths) with their teachers, coaches, family members, or other loved ones.
I’ve built this course just for parents and caregivers of Highly Sensitive children, and drawn on my professional and personal experience working with HSPs to offer you valuable information, opportunities for reflection, and concrete ideas and strategies to support and empower your Highly Sensitive Child.
I hope you’ll join me in “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child!” If you have any thoughts or questions about the Course, please feel free to email me at amy@highlysensitiveparenthood.com and I’ll get back to you!
3 Things NOT to Say to your Highly Sensitive Child
As a fellow parent of a Deeply Feeling or Highly Sensitive Child (HSC), I know that it can be difficult to know what to say to our children when they’re upset, particularly when we are frustrated! Last week, I shared a few statements that you can try incorporating into your communication with your child. This week, I’m reflecting on three statements that we should avoid saying to our child.
Full disclosure: I have definitely said some of these “no no” statements to my HSC. None of us are perfect parents! But by being aware that some statements can be hurtful to our children - even counterproductive in working through difficult emotions and behaviors - we can adjust how we talk to them. That said, here are a few statements to try to NOT say to your Highly Sensitive Child:
1. Why are you so sensitive?
One of the most powerful ways that you can support your Highly Sensitive Child is to examine your own internal beliefs about sensitivity, and to let go of any unhelpful beliefs that sensitivity is a flaw or a weakness. If you notice that you are saying things to your child like “Why are you so sensitive?” or “Stop crying, it’s not that big of a deal!” take a step back and reflect. In all likelihood, these statements will do nothing to reduce your child’s sensitivity, they will simply cause them to feel shame about their emotions and sensitivity.
2. Hurry up and do it, it’ll be fine!
Highly Sensitive Children have a common tendency to “Pause to Check” - they like to observe, gather information, and process for a bit before jumping into a new situation or activity. This is part of how their brains work, and actually serves to protect them from risky situations or decisions throughout their lives. Some parents become frustrated, however, when their child is not eager to “jump right in” to a new activity. When starting a new activity - let’s say, riding a bike - it’s critical that you let your sensitive child take the time to observe and adjust. This could include watching other children ride bikes, spending some time learning about bikes and their parts, sitting on the bike, using training wheels, etc. Resist the urge to push your child too quickly towards intense engagement in a new activity. Doing so often backfires and creates fear or resistance towards that activity. If you let them proceed at their own pace (with plenty of encouragement - “I’m proud of you for trying! I know you’re feeling a bit nervous, but I can see you’re making progress already!”) they are much more likely to build confidence and engage in the activity in a way that feels comfortable for them.
3. Stop feeling ____, it’s not that big of a deal!
Have you ever been told to “stop feeling upset,” “stop crying,” or to “just calm down?” I challenge you to identify even one instance in which hearing these comments actually helped you to feel better! When your child is upset, they need to hear that their emotions are valid. Some variation of “I see that you’re feeling…/I understand why you feel…/It’s okay to feel…” sets the stage for your child to feel understood and supported. Our goal as parents is not to magnify their emotions, but simply to recognize their emotions so that we can respond to them in productive ways. Once your child feels understood, they’ll be more open to receiving comfort in the form of cuddles, taking a break, or a variety of coping/calming skills. It’s a win-win for both ourselves and our kids!
If you found these tips helpful, I want to encourage you to check out my “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Online Course! Based on my professional and personal experience with Highly Sensitive Children (HSC’s), I’ve developed this online, video-based course that helps parents and caregivers to better understand, support, and advocate for their Sensitive Kids. It’s a comprehensive resource with information, printable resources, and simple but powerful tools to not only support your child, but to teach them to be an empowered Highly Sensitive Person.
You can find more about the “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Course by clicking the button below.
3 Things to Say to your Highly Sensitive Child
If you’re a parent of a Deeply Feeling or Highly Sensitive Child (HSC), you know that it can sometimes be challenging to know how to manage intense emotions and upsetting situations. Beyond that, it’s important to you to build up your child’s self-esteem and resilience so that they can thrive in day-to-day life. While each child is unique, the following ways of communicating with your child are designed to provide your child with a boost of confidence and the sense that you understand and know how to support them:
I’m so proud of you for…
It’s okay to feel…
It looks like you are feeling ______. Would it help to ________?
I’m so proud of you for…
Telling your Highly Sensitive Child that you are proud of them not only strengthens your bond with them, but also provides them with a confidence boost! While it’s totally fine to praise your child for their accomplishments, try to focus most of your praise on their efforts. For example, instead of saying “I’m so proud of you for scoring that goal!” try saying “I’m so proud of you for being a kind teammate and trying some new soccer skills out today!” Highly Sensitive Children tend to have a strong “Pause to Check” mentality, meaning that they often need time to observe situations and practice new skills before feeling confident in their abilities. Praising your child’s courage, persistence, and effort can go a long way towards making them feel confident and capable.
It’s okay to feel…
Sometimes our child’s emotions seem extreme or nonsensical to us as parents - especially if you are not a Highly Sensitive Person yourself. It can be tempting to try to convince your child that they shouldn’t be feeling what they’re feeling (“Cheer up, it’s not a big deal!” or “Stop crying, you know your brother didn’t mean to hurt you.”) If we think about our own experience, however, it’s easy to recognize that if someone spoke to us like that, we would feel completely invalidated and hurt! The easiest way to move through your emotions - or to help your child to do so - is to recognize that they are valid. For example, you could say “I’m sorry you’re feeling so sad that your brother pushed you. Let’s take some time to cuddle and then we can go talk to him about what happened.” Using this approach, the tears will start to dry up, and the situation will resolve much more smoothly than if you tried to deny your child’s feelings.
It looks like you are feeling ______. Would it help to ________?
One of the biggest challenges for Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), including children, is overstimulation. You can support your child by helping them to notice that they might be feeling overwhelmed, and then guiding them towards a solution. For example, if you’re at a playdate at a children’s museum and you see your child start to become grumpy or look like a deer in the headlights, you could say: “I’ve noticed that it’s pretty loud in here and that it’s been a while since lunch; it looks like you’re feeling a little bit overwhelmed. Would it feel good for you to go outside and have a snack?” Helping your Highly Sensitive Child to notice their own physical and mental state, and to recognize what they need to take care of themselves, is a tremendous gift that will serve them well as they become more independent.
If you found these tips helpful, I want to encourage you to check out my “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Online Course! Based on my professional and personal experience with Highly Sensitive Children (HSC’s), I’ve developed this online, video-based course that helps parents and caregivers to better understand, support, and advocate for their Sensitive Kids. It’s a comprehensive resource with information, printable resources, and simple but powerful tools to not only support your child, but to teach them to be an empowered Highly Sensitive Person.
You can find more about the “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Course by clicking the button below.
Why Playdates can be Exhausting for HSP Parents
Any other HSP parents out there hate playdates? I’m right there with you! While spending time with other parents can feel life-giving, playdates can often be exhausting for highly sensitive moms and dads. I’ve given some thought to why playdates are uniquely draining, and I’ve realized that there are simply too many things to juggle:
1.) Watching your child - If you are at a park, playground, or someone else’s home, you are almost certainly expending a great deal of energy keeping an eye on your child. You don’t want them to hurt themselves, break something, or otherwise put themselves in a difficult situation. Additionally, they may have several needs that arise during the course of the playdate - hunger, toilet, tired, thirst, etc!
2.) Child/Child Dynamics - Depending on how comfortable your child is with their playmate, there may be some difficult or conflictual dynamics which arise. Not only are you required to navigate these with your child, but you are also needing to navigate respecting the other family’s parenting choices and an awareness of how your parenting might be perceived by the other parent.
3.) Getting to know the other parent(s) - While not all HSPs are Introverts, many of us are! In this case, it can be intense getting to know someone for the first time. We are flooded with visual and verbal information about this new person, and are trying to make a good impression while also ensuring that they feel comfortable and listened to. This alone can be exhausting, but when the above two factors are layered on top, playdates can really take a toll.
So, if playdates are exhausting, what is an HSP parent to do? We still often feel a responsibility to socialize our children and connect them with friends.
Preschool – even just a day or two per week –can be a fantastic opportunity for children to socialize in a way that doesn’t tax the energy of HSP parents too heavily.
Additionally, finding a more calm or structured activity can be a helpful way for you and your child to connect with other children and parents. For example, my neighborhood has a kid’s gardening club led by a volunteer, who provides an activity for the children. This can take the pressure off parents to entertain their children, or to come up with topics of conversation with other parents - the shared activity takes care of both of those. You may find music classes, parent-child yoga classes, library programs, or athletic activities in your community that can serve a similar purpose.
Lastly, don’t count playdates out completely! If you are honest with yourself about when they feel overwhelming for you, you can feel empowered to make changes in how you approach them. Perhaps only scheduling them once or twice per month, or limiting them to mornings rather than afternoons when both you and your child are tired, could help make playdates fun and worthwhile rather than draining. Be honest with yourself about your limitations and preferences! Doing so will make you a more functional and happy parent, which is pretty darn important.
If you’re interested in learning more about the nitty-gritty of thriving (not just surviving) as a Highly Sensitive Parent, check out my Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course!
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
3 Affirmations to Support Healthy Boundaries for Empaths and Highly Sensitive People
This week’s blog is short but sweet. In last week’s blog, I explored WHY it is so difficult for HSPs and Empaths to set healthy boundaries. Understanding the WHY can help us deepen our self-knowledge and self-compassion, and get us ready to take active steps toward setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
The boundaries that HSP and Empath parents tend to struggle with are energetic and emotional. For example, many of us struggle with burning ourselves out in order to care for others, including our children! We also may find ourselves saying “yes” to commitments (kids sports, PTA/PTO, additional work responsibilities) when we truly don’t have the time, energy, or desire to say yes. Finally, we may struggle setting boundaries with the expectations of society or those in our inner circle. I hear from many HSP parents that it is really difficult to hold boundaries with their own parents or family members, who may have very different expectations about parenting and life choices.
All that said, I’d like to offer three powerful affirmations that support healthy boundary setting and maintenance for Highly Sensitive parents:
It is not my responsibility to manage other people's emotional responses - my duty is to take good care of myself and my family.
Even when I feel guilty about "rocking the boat," I can trust that I have the right to make healthy choices.
When other people don't accept my decisions/boundaries, I am able to hold firm rather than giving in to help them feel more comfortable.
Do any of these resonate with you? I encourage you to pick one or two affirmations and write them down in a place where you will see them regularly. Let the truth of these affirmations sink in, and let them support you towards healthier boundaries.
Looking for more support with boundary-setting and other challenging aspects of HSP Parenthood? Check out our Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course, which offers expert guidance and support just for HSP and Empath parents.
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
Embracing Parenthood - and Releasing “Parenting” - as an HSP
There are few words more loaded (at least to a parent) than “parenting.” Parenting books, parenting advice, parenting styles, parenting fails… there is so much information to absorb, and so many expectations to balance! As a result of these often competing pressures and expectations, many Highly Sensitive parents experience guilt around “poor parenting” or being a “bad mom.” By contrast, “Parenthood” is a stage of life in which being a parent is part of your identity. Parenthood is simply a state of being, rather than something that we can “fail” at.
Certainly many of us have benefited from learning about parenting from books, experts, and others. Particularly when we’ve grown up in a family that had unhealthy dynamics, we may rightly prioritize educating ourselves around how to parent our children in healthy ways. On the other hand, it is important to recognize that the values and objectives of parenting vary widely across cultures and belief systems. Unfortunately, many parents - particularly those in marginalized communities - have been harmed by narrow views of “acceptable” parenting in much of the Western world. The important factor here is to take “parenting” advice for what it is - simply information that we can choose to incorporate (or not) into how we approach caring for our children, based on what works best for them and for us.
So how can we move away from a fixation on “parenting” and towards an ethos of parenthood, in which we are caring for our children and also tending to ourselves outside of our identity as parents? As HSPs, many of us struggle with people-pleasing, or in the case of parenting, allow our children’s needs to consistently eclipse our own until we are depleted and lost. We deserve to embrace the imperfect journey of parenthood - including its ups and downs - rather than feeling shame around not adhering to the often competing, rigid standards of “parenting.”
We might begin by rediscovering parts of our identity that have been squashed or hidden away since becoming parents. This can look like recovering an old hobby, attending therapy, or taking steps towards a new dream or goal. We might also take a few moments and identify the expectations we place on ourselves as parents. Do you put pressure on yourself to enjoy being a parent 24/7? Release that - I don’t know any parents for whom that is true! Do you feel guilty turning down invitations to events or extracurriculars that you know will be a strain on you and/or your child? Recognize that this is not you failing at parenting, but rather you honoring the needs and limitations of you and your child.
My goal with Highly Sensitive Parenthood is to support you as a whole person, not just in the ways that you parent your children. In fact, the resources that I have created HSP Parent Resources, are almost completely focused on you, the parent, rather than any “parenting skills” or “parenting advice.”
In your parenthood journey, YOU and your well-being matter - much, much more than getting parenting “right.”
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
Finding your Village as Highly Sensitive Parent
Throughout human history, parents had support from extended family, older children, neighbors, and other community members. Community life was a given - humans needed one another to survive and thrive. As I write this, I am in a lovely little coffee shop (shout out to Pappalecco in San Diego) in what I imagine is not only an attempt to get my hands on an exceptional almond croissant, but also to be around other people in a way that is impossible when working from my office at home. Even for HSP introverts like me, it feels good to be around others - we thrive on a certain degree of interdependence and connection with other people!
HSP parents living in other developed or urban areas might especially resonate here, but I would imagine anyone going through parenthood in COVID/early post-COVID times has felt the burden of parenthood without adequate support from others. This includes both practical support - delivering a home-cooked meal or watching your child for a few hours so you can rest, and emotional support - a warm hug, words of encouragement, or inviting you for a dinner out so you can take a break from the role of parent and connect with an adult. If you take a moment and reflect on the last time you got a break from parenthood or connected with another adult in a meaningful way, you would probably also notice that you were happier, more rested, and a more present and peaceful parent afterwards!
So, how do we find this support “village” that seems almost extinct in our modern times? First of all, acknowledge that it may not look like a perfect small tight-knit group of people à la the TV show “Friends.” Your village may include your next door neighbor, who you know you can trust to care for your child an emergency, a colleague from work with whom you go on beach walks every few months, or an old friend who lives in another state. Perhaps it also includes a grandparent with whom you can FaceTime when you’re needing some human connection, or a couple of parents who you know from your child’s preschool. While your community may not feel cohesive and interconnected like we see on TV, it still counts - and it makes a meaningful difference in your life!
Lastly - and perhaps most importantly - give yourself permission to prioritize these relationships at times. Doing so isn’t “selfish,” but rather a way for you to enhance your well-being, sense of belonging, and find more support so that you can thrive as a family.
Take a few moments and write down who you see in your village - they don’t need to be super close emotionally or geographically. Maybe you also notice others who you could welcome into your village. How can you connect with them this week?
P.S. If you resonate with this topic, this is one of 15 areas that I offer a deep-dive into in the Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course. If you’re interested in learning more, visit this link.
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parenthood Coach and Educator