Embracing Parenthood - and Releasing “Parenting” - as an HSP

There are few words more loaded (at least to a parent) than “parenting.”  Parenting books, parenting advice, parenting styles, parenting fails… there is so much information to absorb, and so many expectations to balance!  As a result of these often competing pressures and expectations, many Highly Sensitive parents experience guilt around “poor parenting” or being a “bad mom.”  By contrast, “Parenthood” is a stage of life in which being a parent is part of your identity.  Parenthood is simply a state of being, rather than something that we can “fail” at.

Certainly many of us have benefited from learning about parenting from books, experts, and others. Particularly when we’ve grown up in a family that had unhealthy dynamics, we may rightly prioritize educating ourselves around how to parent our children in healthy ways. On the other hand, it is important to recognize that the values and objectives of parenting vary widely across cultures and belief systems. Unfortunately, many parents - particularly those in marginalized communities - have been harmed by narrow views of “acceptable” parenting in much of the Western world. The important factor here is to take “parenting” advice for what it is - simply information that we can choose to incorporate (or not) into how we approach caring for our children, based on what works best for them and for us.

So how can we move away from a fixation on “parenting” and towards an ethos of parenthood, in which we are caring for our children and also tending to ourselves outside of our identity as parents?  As HSPs, many of us struggle with people-pleasing, or in the case of parenting, allow our children’s needs to consistently eclipse our own until we are depleted and lost.  We deserve to embrace the imperfect journey of parenthood - including its ups and downs - rather than feeling shame around not adhering to the often competing, rigid standards of “parenting.”  

We might begin by rediscovering parts of our identity that have been squashed or hidden away since becoming parents.  This can look like recovering an old hobby, attending therapy, or taking steps towards a new dream or goal.  We might also take a few moments and identify the expectations we place on ourselves as parents.  Do you put pressure on yourself to enjoy being a parent 24/7?  Release that - I don’t know any parents for whom that is true!  Do you feel guilty turning down invitations to events or extracurriculars that you know will be a strain on you and/or your child?  Recognize that this is not you failing at parenting, but rather you honoring the needs and limitations of you and your child.

My goal with Highly Sensitive Parenthood is to support you as a whole person, not just in the ways that you parent your children.  In fact, the resources that I have created HSP Parent Resources, are almost completely focused on you, the parent, rather than any “parenting skills” or “parenting advice.” 

In your parenthood journey, YOU and your well-being matter - much, much more than getting parenting “right.”  

written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator