Highly Sensitive Parenthood Blog
How to Turn Overwhelming Spaces into Soothing Sanctuaries
with Rebecca Jo-Rushdy of Spark Joy and Flow
Our living spaces are more than just physical locations; they are extensions of our inner selves. The environment we create within our homes can significantly influence our moods and overall well-being. For HSP individuals, who are especially attuned to external stimuli, a cluttered or chaotic space can be particularly overwhelming. In my work as a therapist and coach, I work with many Highly Sensitive parents to identify how their home environments impact their well-being, and how to honor their needs for calm, intentional spaces.
With that, I’m so thrilled to share my conversation with Rebecca Jo-Rushdy of Spark Joy and Flow with the Highly Sensitive Parenthood community! Honestly, this has been one of my favorite podcast conversations EVER. We discuss the impact of our home environment on our mood and well-being, and chat about simple solutions for HSP folks and families to manage clutter and create systems that support calm and joy in our homes (yes, even with little ones around)!
You can listen in to our conversation via The Highly Sensitive Parenthood Podcast, or watch us chat on YouTube by clicking the buttons below. And don’t forget to scroll down to learn more about Rebecca and her offerings as a decluttering and wellness consultant!
Meet Rebecca Jo-Rushdy!
Rebecca specializes in guiding empaths to declutter and create harmonious spaces that ignite joy and a sense of flow. Her expertise is informed by her own experiences as a highly sensitive person, and she is passionate about helping others turn their emotional challenges into opportunities for growth and vitality.
In addition to her consulting work, Rebecca conducts wellness workshops and delivers motivational speeches to diverse audiences, including corporate, government, and non-governmental organizations. Her message centers on the transformative power of decluttering, both in our personal lives and professional endeavors, to enhance focus, productivity, and overall well-being.
Where to find Rebecca & Spark Joy and Flow:
1. Website
2. Instagram
3. Facebook
Hey New Subscribers - if you're looking for a bit more support around being a Highly Sensitive Parent or raising an HSP child, I've got you! I've created several resources, including Courses and Coaching packages, to meet your needs.
**YouTube Subscribers can access a special discount of 20% off of any courses or coaching at https://www.highlysensitiveparenthood.com/hspparentresources by using the code YOUTUBE at checkout.**
Creating Systems that Nurture You & Your Family
with Laura Hernandez of MamaSystems.net
Do you struggle with creating routines and systems that feel sustainable and allow you some moments of relaxation and connection with your family? I've definitely gone through (long!) periods where I've felt so overwhelmed with household tasks and to-do's that I've missed out on rest time for myself, or neglected the relationships I most value.
I invited Laura Hernandez of MamaSystems.net to join me for a conversation about creating systems that nurture both you and your children. We get nitty gritty on topics including chores and meal planning, and Laura give specific tips about how we can begin inviting our children (young or older) to more fully participate in the household.
Listen in to our conversation via the podcast or YouTube by clicking the buttons below, and scroll down to learn more about Laura and her offerings!
Meet Laura Hernandez!
Laura is a wife and mama to 10 amazing people. She is the founder of Mama Systems, a coaching business that helps mamas bring peace to their homes through systems so they can be intentional with their people and show up as the best mama possible.
Where to find Laura & Mama Systems:
1. Self-Care Guide for Highly Sensitive Parenthood - to access Laura's Self-Care Guide - a gift just for the Highly Sensitive Parenthood community!
2. Website
3. Instagram
4. Facebook
Hey New Subscribers - if you're looking for a bit more support around being a Highly Sensitive Parent or raising an HSP child, I've got you! I've created several resources, including Courses and Coaching packages, to meet your needs.
**YouTube Subscribers can access a special discount of 20% off of any courses or coaching at https://www.highlysensitiveparenthood.com/hspparentresources by using the code YOUTUBE at checkout.**
Supporting HSP Teens and Tweens
with Nellie Harden of NellieHarden.com
Are you the parent of an HSP Teen or Tween? I myself have a 9 year old, so this is right around the corner for me!
While a lot of my blogs and podcasts have focused on being a sensitive parent, or parenting younger HSP kids, I didn't want to forget our older children. I invited Nellie Harden of NellieHarden.com to join me in conversation around how to raise empowered and healthy HSP children (while also caring for ourselves as parents & people)!
Listen in to our conversation via the podcast or YouTube by clicking the buttons below, and scroll down to learn more about Nellie and her offerings!
Meet Nellie Harden!
Nellie is a wife, mother of 4 teenage daughters and an author and speaker in the space of Family Life & Leadership. She focuses on helping parents love & lead their teen/tween daughters in a way that teaches them to love & lead themselves while building a strong foundation of worth, esteem & confidence all before they leave home!
Her background is in Biology and Psychology, from humpbacks to humans, and she has invested decades of her life into personal, family, faith and leadership development. Most of all, she believes the best way to change the world is through one living room at a time!
Here are a few ways to connect with Nellie:
1. Website
2. 5 Things Your Daughter Needs
5. Instagram
6. YouTube
Hey New Subscribers - if you're looking for a bit more support around being a Highly Sensitive Parent or raising an HSP child, I've got you! I've created several resources, including Courses and Coaching packages, to meet your needs.
**YouTube Subscribers can access a special discount of 20% off of any courses or coaching at https://www.highlysensitiveparenthood.com/hspparentresources by using the code YOUTUBE at checkout.**
Balancing Work and Parenthood for Highly Sensitive Parents
with Liz St. Jean of The Mint Ambition
**YouTube Subscribers can access a special discount of 20% off of any courses or coaching at https://www.highlysensitiveparenthood.com/hspparentresources by using the code YOUTUBE at checkout.**
OR
**Podcast Subscribers can access a special discount of 20% off of any courses or coaching at https://www.highlysensitiveparenthood.com/hspparentresources by using the code PODCAST at checkout.**
Amy Lajiness of Highly Sensitive Parenthood and Liz St. Jean of The Mint Ambition chat about how HSP & sensitive parents can thrive and leverage their sensitivity in the corporate world!
Meet Liz St. Jean of The Mint Ambition!
Liz is a career advancement coach for quietly ambitious professionals.
Her vision is that everyone should feel excited, motivated and proud of the work they do. Everyone deserves to have a meaningful career making an impact on the world around them.
She also believes we need greater diversity in the rooms where decisions are being made.
We need your voice and your ideas. We need your presence.
She's all about helping you feel energized, motivated and confident showing up with a powerful presence, no matter what chaos swirls around you.
Here are a few ways to learn with Liz:
) Listen to the RISE In Your 9 to 5 podcast where strategy meets intuition to build leadership skills & advance your career. Listen here.
) Take the free Quietly Ambitious Career Quiz to get personalized advice for the career growth season you're in. Take the quiz here.
) Check out Liz's programs on career advancement & leadership development. Learn about my programs here.
Ebb and Flow for Highly Sensitive People
You may or may not know that, in addition to running Highly Sensitive Parenthood, I also work as a therapist. Several years ago, I completed an intensive training in nature-based therapy, a.k.a. Ecotherapy. One of the most profound aspects of Ecotherapy, for me, is the symbols and lessons that nature offers to us humans. I live in San Diego, and occasionally meet clients at the beach for therapy sessions. Sometimes, we simply enjoy watching the waves crest and recede, noticing how the shoreline shifts as the tides ebb and flow.
Our lives, and our energies, also follow this universal pattern of ebb and flow; intensity and calm both have their place in the cycle of life. This past year has been a more intense season for me as I have navigated launching Highly Sensitive Parenthood, creating two video courses, and crafting weekly blogs, videos, and podcasts for HSP parents and kids. All of this has been on top of maintaining my therapy practice, and of course, taking care of myself and my family!
It has been great fun, and I’ve also come to recognize that my energy is ebbing (for now) around creating regular content for Highly Sensitive Parenthood. I’ll certainly still be around here and there - and if you’re not already subscribed to my newsletter or following me on Instagram, I’ll be updating those periodically with new content and reflections. The weekly newsletters and blogs, however, will be put on pause for now, as I take a bit of time to relax, replenish, and “ebb” - just as I encourage all HSP parents to do when the time is right.
The great news is, my supportive resources for Highly Sensitive Parents and Children are not going anywhere! If you’re looking for more support for you as an HSP parent, or guidance around parenting your HSP child, I have you covered:
My Highly Sensitive Parenthood Toolkit is perfect for parents just starting to explore how being an HSP impacts their experience of parenthood.
My Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course offers a deeper dive into what it means to be an HSP parent and how you can celebrate the gifts of sensitivity while managing the challenges with grace and confidence.
My Blog Archive and Podcast continue to be free and available to you!
For parents of HSP kids, my “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Course offers information about the HSP trait, plus plenty of practical tools and resources for parents and kids.
Lastly, if you’re looking for more personalized support around being a Highly Sensitive Parent, my Nourish Coaching Package might be a good fit for you!
Thank you for continuing on this journey with me at Highly Sensitive Parenthood! I look forward to connecting with you in ways both new and old as we both ebb and flow through parenthood together.
The Power of Micro-Breaks as an HSP Parent
Let’s be real, parenting is relentless. Many of us Highly Sensitive Parents don’t get nearly the amount of down time that we need to feel calm and energized. Instead, we find ourselves rushing from task to task, frantically trying to accomplish everything that needs to get done in a day.
First of all, this “busyness” is NOT a “you” problem - it’s a societal problem. Parents (particularly moms) have an immense amount of pressure put on them, and we were never meant to care for our children in such isolation. Throughout much of history, living in communities or villages meant that we had childcare (from family members or other parents), shared cooking or household chores, and just more social support. These days, many parents are expected to do all of that on their own, plus attend to modern-day tasks such as paperwork, emails, volunteering, birthday parties, etc! When parents work outside the home in addition to taking care of their children and household, this can add another layer of intensity to the schedule. Conversely, staying at home with your children can add another layer of emotional and sensory intensity for many HSPs. No matter what our lives look like, early parenthood is simply HARD.
All that said, I don’t want to minimize self-care or shame those of us who simply feel too busy to care for ourselves amidst the many responsibilities that our lives bring. Rather, I have a simple but powerful suggestion that can support any parent who is feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated: Micro-breaks!
One of my good friends (a mom of two young kids) recently set a goal for herself to have 20 minutes total of alone time per day. While ideally she would be getting much more than that, 20 minutes is what feels do-able right now. That’s okay! But protecting those 20 minutes, and being intentional about them, becomes extra important because the time is so precious. This is where micro-breaks come in.
I define a “micro-break” as between 1-10 minutes of downtime. Downtime can look like:
Laying down and closing your eyes
Doing a few yoga poses
A quick walk
Calling a friend
Watching a funny video
Mindfulness or breathing practices
Anything that feels calming or energizing, depending on what you need
Why 1-10 minutes? While many of us HSP parents would love to get 1-10 hours of alone time per day, it can be really difficult to find extended pockets of time to relax. Because of the difficulty, many of us simply give up and get no downtime, or when we get it, we’re so exhausted that we numbly scroll Instagram or rush around trying to find something else to do. By intentionally taking micro-breaks, we fully allow ourselves to relax into whatever it is we are doing to replenish ourselves.
I sometimes find it helpful to set a brief timer so that I can relax into that time fully - in that case, I’ll literally set a timer for 10 minutes, plop down on the couch, and read a few pages of a book. You might also simply pause and listen to a favorite song before getting out of your car, or walk once around the block. Similarly, taking 10 deep breaths or taking a minute or two to stretch is something that’s accessible to us most of the time, even when a child is crying or it’s time to prepare a meal.
These micro-breaks will not immediately resolve our stress and overwhelm, but they can take it down a few notches. By giving yourself permission to relax and take time for yourself, you replenish your energy and remind yourself that you are worthy of feeling good - you don’t exist simply to accomplish tasks or take care of others. That said, pause right now and think of one micro-break that feels achievable to you. Do it - right now if at all possible! Notice how it feels to take that time for yourself. I encourage you to incorporate micro-breaks into your daily routine. If you’re anything like me, it will make a world of difference for you as a Highly Sensitive Parent.
If you’re looking for more support for you as an HSP parent, or guidance around parenting your HSP child, check out my Resources Page!
Calm Outings for HSP Parents & Children
Last week, I took a good look at “Why are Birthday Parties so Hard for HSPs?” Reflecting on birthday parties got me thinking about the pressure many parents feel to go on fun outings with their kids, even when they cause overwhelm for the HSP parent and/or child.
Of course, HSPs still want to have fun, but sometimes our version of fun may look a bit different from that of the general public! This week, I’m suggesting some calm outings for HSP parents and HSP children to spark your imagination and give you some practical ideas about ways to connect with your child that don’t feel too draining or overwhelming.
Neighborhood Walk - Sometimes getting your bags packed, getting the kid(s) in the car, navigating traffic, finding parking, and doing the whole thing in reverse is simply TOO MUCH! Give yourself permission to get out and about in your neighborhood. This could simply be a walk/stroll/bike ride around your house. Go on your own, or invite a friend if you’re looking for some social connection!
Picnic in the Park - Packing up a picnic basket can be part of the fun for older kids, and taking time to sit and enjoy the outdoors can be a wonderful way to mindfully engage with your child and the world around you.
Botanical Gardens or Regional Parks - I have had good luck with these places being uncrowded, accessible, and calm, but still enjoyable for kids.
Zoos or Children's Museums - These can be really chaotic on weekends, but can be wonderful on weekdays if you have the chance to visit them!
Libraries - Some offer children’s activities or storytimes, but feel free to avoid these if you’d prefer to simply sit with your child and read!
Staying home - You don’t need to go on “outings” every day - many HSP parents I know aim for only once per week. Sometimes, the best thing for you and/or your child is to simply stay home, cuddle up, nap, watch a show together, read, play a game, or whatever else brings you joy and calm!
What are your favorite outings as a family? I’d love to hear your thoughts! And if you’re looking for more support for you as an HSP parent, or guidance around parenting your HSP child, check out my Resources Page!
Why are Birthday Parties so Hard for HSPs?
This week’s blog topic is a fun one! I’ve had several HSP clients express to me their frustration with children’s birthday parties, and have spent time reflecting on why birthday parties feel so challenging for both Highly Sensitive Parents and Highly Sensitive children.
So why DO children’s birthday parties tend to be so painful for HSPs?
For attendees (children or adults), there tends to be a relatively high level of chaos. Whether the party takes place at a playground, a home, or a party facility, it’s almost certainly going to be loud and boisterous. Overstimulation is pretty much a given. Additionally, you may not know many people there, so there’s an added element of the energy that it requires to make small talk with people for a couple of hours. Of course, there’s also the preparation - RSVPing, buying a gift, transportation - and the effort it takes to wind down after the sugar rush of birthday cake.
For HSP parents who are hosting a child’s birthday party, we can add a few more items to the list of potential stressors. Settling on a time and place, developing a guest list (and trying not to offend anyone), sending out invitations and collecting RSVPs, coordinating vendors, creating goody bags, corralling gifts and sending out thank you notes… the list goes on and on!
Let me pause here to acknowledge that, at least in many communities in the United States, there are pressures put on parents to “do” a birthday party in a certain way. We see picture-perfect parties on Instagram and Pinterest, and there is a continuous pressure placed on parents to give their children exceptional childhoods, including lavish parties. Let this blog be a reminder that we CAN opt out of most (or all!) of the above, and don’t need to break our budget or drive ourselves to a nervous breakdown just to provide our kids with a “perfect” birthday party.
So far, my kids have celebrated a cumulative total of 13 birthdays, so I have some experience in planning how to celebrate their birthdays each year. I’m sharing a few ideas below that may be supportive for HSP parents and HSP kids around birthday celebrations - feel free to take them as your own, and release yourself from the expectations that may not work well for you or your family!
If your child is invited to a birthday party that you know will likely be overwhelming (I’m looking at you, Chuck E Cheese and Go-Kart parties), know that you can opt out. If you are an HSP, perhaps a non-HSP partner or family member can take your child. If your child is an HSP and you know it may be overstimulating for them, you can either choose to opt out, or simply to attend for part of the party and leave a bit early.
If you are planning your own child’s party, consider what you can do to relieve some of the stress. For younger children, “themed” birthday parties with decorations, cakes, and goody bags are simply unnecessary - unless, of course, you are genuinely excited about making this happen! Shameless admission: I have only ONCE created goody bags for one of my kids’ birthday parties, and never plan to do it again. They require so much work, and most of the time, the items just get broken or tossed within a few days. Again, if you love making goody bags, more power to you, but if you don’t want to take the time or energy, give yourself permission to skip it.
Consider hosting the party on your patio or at a local playground, ordering a few pizzas, and just showing up. For lower-key birthday parties, sending out formal invitations and tracking RSVPs can be let go in lieu of just texting a few friends or family members with the time and place. This year, I’m planning on texting a few of my son’s friends to gather at a local park and bring soccer balls for a soccer party. I’ll probably grab a cake and some juice boxes from the grocery store, and call it good!
Consider skipping a Birthday Party and instead gifting your child with a special experience. Last year, my family went to Legoland for a couple of days (we already had passes, so this was not an extra expense), and stayed overnight at the adjoining hotel for my son’s birthday. It was super memorable and fun for all of us, and honestly cost about the same as hosting a birthday party for a group of friends (but with a lot less stress!) Of course, you can save even more money and stress by simply visiting a state park or beach, going camping, or just gathering a few friends at the neighborhood pool or park. For many years when my kids were little, we just had some friends over on our patio for an afternoon - that’s it!
I hope you feel empowered to release some of the intense expectations around attending or planning kids’ birthday parties as an HSP! I’d love to hear some of your thoughts or experiences in the comments below so that we can learn from each other about what does (and doesn’t) work!
If you haven’t yet, I invite you to sign up for my email newsletter so that you don’t miss any announcements about new blogs or offerings from Highly Sensitive Parenthood. As a bonus, you’ll receive a free printable PDF with "5 Tips to Manage Overstimulation for HSP Parents!”
3 Signs of Sensory Overwhelm and Overstimulation in Highly Sensitive Adults
Overwhelm. Overstimulation. Sensitivity.
These words capture the more challenging side of the HSP trait for many adults. Of course, the HSP trait also offers many benefits and gifts to those who experience it - and if you’re looking to find new ways to celebrate your Sensitivity, check out my blog post on “The Gifts of Sensitivity and Being an HSP.” Once you feel empowered within your sensitivity, it can be helpful to recognize some of the challenges that might come up for you. For many HSPs, Sensory Overwhelm or Overstimulation is a major challenge. Don’t fear, however - once we are able to recognize signs that we are becoming overstimulated, we can start to take steps toward coping with Overstimulation (side note: I have two entire modules dedicated to this process in the Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course!)
So what does Overstimulation look like for HSP adults? My guess is you have some idea of what causes overstimulation for you. If not, here’s a hint: think about your five senses - you likely find at least one of them that’s particularly sensitive. For example some HSPs are bothered by bright lights, loud or repetitive noises, rough/sticky textures, etc. But how does overstimulation show up in our minds and bodies? While our experiences as HSPs are distinct, here are three common signs of Sensory Overwhelm and Overstimulation:
Physical sensations - These physical “warning signs” of overstimulation may be the most recognizable to you. One important thing to remember here is that when we are overstimulated, our nervous systems tend to go into “Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn” (more on that another time), so our bodies respond as if we are under physical threat, even if the “threat” is something relatively innocuous such as loud music or a child tugging at our shirt repeatedly. That said, our bodies react no differently than if we were being charged at by a lion, or experiencing a physical threat to our safety. When you’re overstimulated, you might notice physical symptoms such as rapid heartbeat, sweating, tightness in chest, jitters, muscle tension, and more. These sensations make it difficult to do the tasks we need to do as parents. Although many of us try to “push through” these sensations, ideally, we should do what we can to safely reduce the source(s) of your overstimulation and take steps to calm the body down.
Foggy or Irrational Thinking - When we are stressed or overstimulated, we might notice that we have less mental clarity. This can show up in many different ways, including difficulty making decisions, irrational thoughts and emotions, and/or a general sense of “brain fog,” especially when we are chronically overstimulated and our nervous system gets stuck in high gear. When this happens, our higher level thinking is compromised as our body and brain are simply focused on physical safety.
Irritability or withdrawal - This can intensify if we get “stuck” in overwhelm and overstimulation. You may find yourself responding to situations or loved ones with frustration, irritability, or even rage! Many HSPs are empathetic and gentle, and so irritability and anger can feel surprising to them. When you notice that you are angry, irritable, or becoming withdrawn, it’s likely due (at least in part) to overstimulation. Similarly, many HSPs have a sense of wanting to “escape” - the “flight” response - which can manifest as jittery energy, a desire to just get in the car and drive away, or hiding in a quiet room away from the source(s) of overstimulation.
By understanding the sources of overstimulation, and learning to recognize our own personal “warning signs” of overstimulation, we can take steps to reduce its impact in our lives and families. If you haven’t yet, you can receive a free printable PDF titled “5 Tips to Manage Overstimulation for HSP Parents” by signing up for our newsletter - where you’ll get more inspiration and wisdom for HSP parents and kids!
Managing Holiday Stress for Highly Sensitive (HSP) Parents
If you close your eyes and think of the Holidays, what comes to mind? Is it:
Rushing around trying to purchase gifts for a long list of people?
Enjoying (and/or feeling overwhelmed by) getting your home decorated?
Making memories and carrying on family traditions with your own children?
Stressing about Holiday travel & finances?
Sadness, loneliness, grief, or other difficult emotions?
“It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” oversimplifies the matter for many Highly Sensitive Parents. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Eid, Solstice, or really any Holiday at any time of the year, you most likely have a complex experience of your chosen Holidays.
While the Holidays can be stressful for many people, parents are often burdened with additional responsibilities. For example, the past couple of weeks for me have included: planning and purchasing gifts for my kids’ teachers and coaches, volunteering for kids’ holiday parties, planning and cooking seasonal meals, purchasing gifts and stocking stuffers for my own kids, putting up holiday decorations, wrapping gifts to donate to families in need, making holiday travel plans, and much more. I’m guessing you can resonate with at least some of this!
As parents, we also carry the extra weight of trying to make the holidays meaningful and magical for our children, while also taking into account our own needs and limitations. Should we take our kids to see a Holiday Concert, even though tickets are a bit pricey and might stretch our budget? Do we skip or go to the local Santa’s Village that we know our kids will love, but which may be overstimulating for us? Do we agree to attend a boisterous family gathering on Christmas Eve to allow our kids to connect with cousins or grandparents, or do we stay at home for a more calm time with our immediate family, but risk creating tension with our extended family? There are no easy answers here.
I think it’s important to name many of the above challenges so that we can be honest with ourselves about how challenging the Holidays can be. We likely place unrealistic expectations on ourselves about being totally calm, organized, and joyfully present with our families. If we can recognize the many tasks and expectations on our plates, perhaps we can more easily engage in self-compassion and make some simple changes to reduce our Holiday stress.
So, how do we go about reducing this Holiday Stress?
You may have several ideas on how to make this season easier - feel free to jot them down and make them happen! I have one really easy idea - and it’s my gift to you! This year, I’ve put together a completely free (for now, anyway!) 5 Days to a Stress-Free Holiday Anti-Challenge. It’s a very simple, video-based challenge that you can do on your own time. Over the course of 5 videos, I encourage you to reflect on what brings peace and joy (and what brings overwhelm) during the Holidays, then provide you with a clear, simple system to move towards a less chaotic season. No commitments, no email address to put in, no cost (although I’d love for you to Subscribe to my YouTube Channel or email newsletter if you enjoy it!
Find the Stress-Free Holiday Anti-Challenge HERE.
Wishing you a peaceful holiday season!
Why Playdates can be Exhausting for HSP Parents
Any other HSP parents out there hate playdates? I’m right there with you! While spending time with other parents can feel life-giving, playdates can often be exhausting for highly sensitive moms and dads. I’ve given some thought to why playdates are uniquely draining, and I’ve realized that there are simply too many things to juggle:
1.) Watching your child - If you are at a park, playground, or someone else’s home, you are almost certainly expending a great deal of energy keeping an eye on your child. You don’t want them to hurt themselves, break something, or otherwise put themselves in a difficult situation. Additionally, they may have several needs that arise during the course of the playdate - hunger, toilet, tired, thirst, etc!
2.) Child/Child Dynamics - Depending on how comfortable your child is with their playmate, there may be some difficult or conflictual dynamics which arise. Not only are you required to navigate these with your child, but you are also needing to navigate respecting the other family’s parenting choices and an awareness of how your parenting might be perceived by the other parent.
3.) Getting to know the other parent(s) - While not all HSPs are Introverts, many of us are! In this case, it can be intense getting to know someone for the first time. We are flooded with visual and verbal information about this new person, and are trying to make a good impression while also ensuring that they feel comfortable and listened to. This alone can be exhausting, but when the above two factors are layered on top, playdates can really take a toll.
So, if playdates are exhausting, what is an HSP parent to do? We still often feel a responsibility to socialize our children and connect them with friends.
Preschool – even just a day or two per week –can be a fantastic opportunity for children to socialize in a way that doesn’t tax the energy of HSP parents too heavily.
Additionally, finding a more calm or structured activity can be a helpful way for you and your child to connect with other children and parents. For example, my neighborhood has a kid’s gardening club led by a volunteer, who provides an activity for the children. This can take the pressure off parents to entertain their children, or to come up with topics of conversation with other parents - the shared activity takes care of both of those. You may find music classes, parent-child yoga classes, library programs, or athletic activities in your community that can serve a similar purpose.
Lastly, don’t count playdates out completely! If you are honest with yourself about when they feel overwhelming for you, you can feel empowered to make changes in how you approach them. Perhaps only scheduling them once or twice per month, or limiting them to mornings rather than afternoons when both you and your child are tired, could help make playdates fun and worthwhile rather than draining. Be honest with yourself about your limitations and preferences! Doing so will make you a more functional and happy parent, which is pretty darn important.
If you’re interested in learning more about the nitty-gritty of thriving (not just surviving) as a Highly Sensitive Parent, check out my Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course!
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
Embracing Parenthood - and Releasing “Parenting” - as an HSP
There are few words more loaded (at least to a parent) than “parenting.” Parenting books, parenting advice, parenting styles, parenting fails… there is so much information to absorb, and so many expectations to balance! As a result of these often competing pressures and expectations, many Highly Sensitive parents experience guilt around “poor parenting” or being a “bad mom.” By contrast, “Parenthood” is a stage of life in which being a parent is part of your identity. Parenthood is simply a state of being, rather than something that we can “fail” at.
Certainly many of us have benefited from learning about parenting from books, experts, and others. Particularly when we’ve grown up in a family that had unhealthy dynamics, we may rightly prioritize educating ourselves around how to parent our children in healthy ways. On the other hand, it is important to recognize that the values and objectives of parenting vary widely across cultures and belief systems. Unfortunately, many parents - particularly those in marginalized communities - have been harmed by narrow views of “acceptable” parenting in much of the Western world. The important factor here is to take “parenting” advice for what it is - simply information that we can choose to incorporate (or not) into how we approach caring for our children, based on what works best for them and for us.
So how can we move away from a fixation on “parenting” and towards an ethos of parenthood, in which we are caring for our children and also tending to ourselves outside of our identity as parents? As HSPs, many of us struggle with people-pleasing, or in the case of parenting, allow our children’s needs to consistently eclipse our own until we are depleted and lost. We deserve to embrace the imperfect journey of parenthood - including its ups and downs - rather than feeling shame around not adhering to the often competing, rigid standards of “parenting.”
We might begin by rediscovering parts of our identity that have been squashed or hidden away since becoming parents. This can look like recovering an old hobby, attending therapy, or taking steps towards a new dream or goal. We might also take a few moments and identify the expectations we place on ourselves as parents. Do you put pressure on yourself to enjoy being a parent 24/7? Release that - I don’t know any parents for whom that is true! Do you feel guilty turning down invitations to events or extracurriculars that you know will be a strain on you and/or your child? Recognize that this is not you failing at parenting, but rather you honoring the needs and limitations of you and your child.
My goal with Highly Sensitive Parenthood is to support you as a whole person, not just in the ways that you parent your children. In fact, the resources that I have created HSP Parent Resources, are almost completely focused on you, the parent, rather than any “parenting skills” or “parenting advice.”
In your parenthood journey, YOU and your well-being matter - much, much more than getting parenting “right.”
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
Balancing Awareness, Activism, and News Overwhelm
Consider the last time that you felt refreshed and optimistic after reading the news. My guess is that many of you cannot remember ever feeling this way after scrolling through a news site. I fully acknowledge that there are many challenges and tragedies that are ongoing in the world, and that being aware of them can help spur us towards positive changes. At the same time, it’s fair to say that most news media are skewed significantly toward the negative, the sensationalized, and the tragic. There are so many beautiful moments, and myriad stories to celebrate, which are not represented in the news media, and which are also part of the reality of our world.
Highly Sensitive People tend to process deeply, and feel the emotions of others acutely, which is a ripe combination for both ruminating on negative news stories and also feeling depressed or anxious after reading an upsetting news story. I believe that, for many HSPs, reading most news media sends our nervous systems into a fight/flight/freeze that can have a significant impact on our mood, energy levels, and parenting. I have personally experienced feeling deeply upset, anxious, or even emotionally flattened by reading upsetting news. When this happens, it tends to lead to emotionally checking out from my role as a parent, and to lower patience for the challenging moments of parenthood. This is not ideal for my kids, and it’s certainly not ideal for me!
You might think I would advocate for HSP moms, dads, and caregivers to completely avoid news media, however, many of us deeply value being conscious citizens and advocates for peace and justice in the world, which necessitates some level of engagement with current events. Therefore, for many HSP parents, a balanced and boundaried approach to news consumption is ideal. Here’s what that can looks like:
Intentionally follow “good news” sites such as Upworthy, The Optimist Daily, or Good News Network. Think of this as balancing out the (mostly) negative news highlighted by major media outlets.
Limit daily exposure to news sites. If you have a news app or widget on your phone, or any avenue through which news can “pop up” without you seeking it out, consider deleting it. You might also set time parameters - such as reading the news for 10 minutes - so you don’t accidentally find yourself “doomscrolling.”
Thoughtfully engage with news that matters to you. Instead of reading 15 different headlines, consider subscribing to a newsletter or podcast that features news on a topic you care about, such as Animal Rights, Education, or Racial Equity.
Identify specific ways that you can respond to news issues that you care about. For example, if you are concerned about educational disparities, you might join an organization that donates books or resources to underprivileged areas. If you care about Climate Change, you might write letters to your government representatives on the topic. This allows you to remain aware of issues that matter to you, and to advocate for changes in those areas.
In 2022, the News Media is part of our lives whether we like it or not. Let’s not forget that we have a choice in how we consume it, though. If you have noticed yourself “doomscrolling” and then feeling anxious or down afterwards, it may be time to make a change.
Choose one (or several) of the above tips, try it for a week or so, and notice what difference it makes in your mood and well-being. Do you have more time for self-care or to engage meaningfully with your child(ren)? I’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas - comment below!
P.S. If you’re interested in more resources for Highly Sensitive Parents, check out our Resources page at https://www.highlysensitiveparenthood.com/hspparentresources.
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
Back to School Season for Sensitive Parents
When you hear the words “Back to School,” what does this conjure up for you? For HSP parents of school-aged children, this time can bring up a whole slew of emotions - and even for those of us parenting babies or young children, the end of summer often reminds us that another year has passed, and that our little ones are growing up!
We may feel the excitement associated with fresh school supplies, new beginnings, and cooler weather. At the same time, the changes in routine, pressure to purchase fresh school supplies and outfits, and our own children’s emotions about going back to school can feel overwhelming for HSP parents. Let’s look at some common challenges and how to manage them with ease and confidence!
Challenge #1: Changes in Routine
Going back to school often necessitates some changes in routine from the summer - for my family, school starts at 7:30 am (terrible - I know!), so our morning routine suddenly needs to start much earlier, usually around 6 am. If this is true for you too, consider some ways to make the morning routine easier, such as:
Adjusting wake-up times incrementally earlier in the couple of weeks leading up to the first day of school
Assist your child in managing their own morning routines/to-dos at an age-appropriate level. This will help them gain confidence in caring for themselves, while reducing the pressure on you to do it all in the morning! I’m sharing a free template I’ve created for kids’ morning routines - feel free to personalize it, print it, and if you’re so inclined, laminate it so your kids can re-use it daily
Challenge #2: Preparing School Supplies
One of my kids is starting Kindergarten this year, and I just realized a couple of days ago that I’ll need to buy a new backpack, lunchbox, and assorted school supplies for him to be ready for the school year! If you are a Highly Sensitive parent like me, the traditional trip to a chaotic store like Target or Walmart for back-to-school supplies might be fairly overstimulating for you. I’m planning on ordering online or doing a curbside pickup to minimize the overwhelm, and ideally taking care of this a couple of weeks in advance so it’s not hanging over my head!
Challenge #3: Managing Children’s Emotions
For you, and for your child, back-to-school season may bring a mix of excitement, nervousness, and overwhelm. The changes in routine alone can cause emotional upset for HSP parents and children, but add in homework responsibilities, interactions with peers, and a new classroom environment, and there are bound to be some emotional ups and downs. Here are some ways to make the emotional transition back to school a bit smoother:
Begin talking about the return to school a few weeks in advance. If possible, drive by and/or visit your child’s school, find a photo of their teacher, and discuss the new things they will be learning this year!
See if they know any of their new classmates, and consider scheduling a playdate for your child to connect with their classmate in the week or two leading up to school, so that they have a friendly face when they walk into class that first day.
If possible, plan on a slow week/weekend with minimal extracurricular activities for the first week or two of school. It may feel nice to have some quiet time at home (for all of you!) as you adjust to the new school year.
If your child has homework, consider setting up a homework routine during the first week or two of school. This could look like setting aside some time just before or after dinner, or on the weekend, to get those assignments done. Homework can be overwhelming for parents and kids alike, so be gentle and flexible with yourselves as you adjust to the new routine.
I’d love to hear some of your back-to-school challenges, wins, or tips for a smoother transition! Feel free to drop a comment below to share.
P.S. For more on the topic of managing your own emotions when your child is upset, check out my blog on the Top 3 Challenges for Highly Sensitive Parents (and how to manage them).
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
3 Tips to Carve Out Time for Yourself as an HSP Parent
One of the main challenges that HSP parents face is lack of time. We live in a busy, demanding world, and parenthood is relentless! It can be incredibly difficult to create time to take care of yourself, and hearing the media extol the values of self-care without recognizing how many barriers parents of young children face can feel incredibly frustrating.
So yes, it is hard to make time to attend to your wants and needs as a parent. That said, it is also incredibly important to do so - your energy and mood impacts not only yourself, but your family and children as well. Taking care of yourself is actually a way of caring for and loving your children, who deserve to have a healthy and happy parent whenever possible!
That said, I wanted to give you some practical tips to help you create more time for yourself:
1. Alarm Setting - This is so easy and effective! Basically, you use the alarm on your phone or watch to create a protected time for leisure or rest. As an example, while your child naps or watches a show, you can set your alarm for 30 minutes (or 15, or 60, etc), during which time you do whatever you want to do! This does not include household or work-related tasks like catching up on email or laundry. This does include activities such as reading a book, hanging out in your cozy corner, calling a friend, or just resting.
2. Scheduling - I know, it takes work and intentionality to schedule anything! For bigger commitments or periods of self-care, I often “batch” my scheduling time. For example, if I want to meet up with a friend, enjoy an online yoga class, and book a retreat day or day off of work, I’ll sit down with my calendar and register/plan all at once. This offers two benefits: it gives you something to look forward to, and it creates a protective boundary around the activity so that you can make sure it happens. Of course, scheduling childcare may be an additional challenge here, but it’s important to remember just how good it feels to protect and plan for both your leisure time and your rest.
3. Accountability - If you’re anything like me, you probably struggle with people-pleasing! This often goes hand-in-hand with the HSP trait, and while people love us for it, it can too often lead to overcommitment and burnout. Commit to protecting your time and your energy, and share these plans with someone who can keep you accountable, such as a partner, friend, or therapist. True story: I have, several times, added a day off to my calendar and then knowingly scheduled work meetings over the top of it. Please, don’t do this to yourself! It often helps me to share my intention and plan with an accountability buddy who can call me on my (unhelpful) people-pleasing tendencies and remind me of the importance of prioritizing my own needs first.
Do you have any other tips and tricks for how to create and protect time for self-care? Drop a note in the comments below so we can learn from each other!
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parenthood Coach and Educator