Highly Sensitive Parenthood Blog
Balancing Work and Parenthood for Highly Sensitive Parents
with Liz St. Jean of The Mint Ambition
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Amy Lajiness of Highly Sensitive Parenthood and Liz St. Jean of The Mint Ambition chat about how HSP & sensitive parents can thrive and leverage their sensitivity in the corporate world!
Meet Liz St. Jean of The Mint Ambition!
Liz is a career advancement coach for quietly ambitious professionals.
Her vision is that everyone should feel excited, motivated and proud of the work they do. Everyone deserves to have a meaningful career making an impact on the world around them.
She also believes we need greater diversity in the rooms where decisions are being made.
We need your voice and your ideas. We need your presence.
She's all about helping you feel energized, motivated and confident showing up with a powerful presence, no matter what chaos swirls around you.
Here are a few ways to learn with Liz:
) Listen to the RISE In Your 9 to 5 podcast where strategy meets intuition to build leadership skills & advance your career. Listen here.
) Take the free Quietly Ambitious Career Quiz to get personalized advice for the career growth season you're in. Take the quiz here.
) Check out Liz's programs on career advancement & leadership development. Learn about my programs here.
Ebb and Flow for Highly Sensitive People
You may or may not know that, in addition to running Highly Sensitive Parenthood, I also work as a therapist. Several years ago, I completed an intensive training in nature-based therapy, a.k.a. Ecotherapy. One of the most profound aspects of Ecotherapy, for me, is the symbols and lessons that nature offers to us humans. I live in San Diego, and occasionally meet clients at the beach for therapy sessions. Sometimes, we simply enjoy watching the waves crest and recede, noticing how the shoreline shifts as the tides ebb and flow.
Our lives, and our energies, also follow this universal pattern of ebb and flow; intensity and calm both have their place in the cycle of life. This past year has been a more intense season for me as I have navigated launching Highly Sensitive Parenthood, creating two video courses, and crafting weekly blogs, videos, and podcasts for HSP parents and kids. All of this has been on top of maintaining my therapy practice, and of course, taking care of myself and my family!
It has been great fun, and I’ve also come to recognize that my energy is ebbing (for now) around creating regular content for Highly Sensitive Parenthood. I’ll certainly still be around here and there - and if you’re not already subscribed to my newsletter or following me on Instagram, I’ll be updating those periodically with new content and reflections. The weekly newsletters and blogs, however, will be put on pause for now, as I take a bit of time to relax, replenish, and “ebb” - just as I encourage all HSP parents to do when the time is right.
The great news is, my supportive resources for Highly Sensitive Parents and Children are not going anywhere! If you’re looking for more support for you as an HSP parent, or guidance around parenting your HSP child, I have you covered:
My Highly Sensitive Parenthood Toolkit is perfect for parents just starting to explore how being an HSP impacts their experience of parenthood.
My Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course offers a deeper dive into what it means to be an HSP parent and how you can celebrate the gifts of sensitivity while managing the challenges with grace and confidence.
My Blog Archive and Podcast continue to be free and available to you!
For parents of HSP kids, my “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Course offers information about the HSP trait, plus plenty of practical tools and resources for parents and kids.
Lastly, if you’re looking for more personalized support around being a Highly Sensitive Parent, my Nourish Coaching Package might be a good fit for you!
Thank you for continuing on this journey with me at Highly Sensitive Parenthood! I look forward to connecting with you in ways both new and old as we both ebb and flow through parenthood together.
The Power of Micro-Breaks as an HSP Parent
Let’s be real, parenting is relentless. Many of us Highly Sensitive Parents don’t get nearly the amount of down time that we need to feel calm and energized. Instead, we find ourselves rushing from task to task, frantically trying to accomplish everything that needs to get done in a day.
First of all, this “busyness” is NOT a “you” problem - it’s a societal problem. Parents (particularly moms) have an immense amount of pressure put on them, and we were never meant to care for our children in such isolation. Throughout much of history, living in communities or villages meant that we had childcare (from family members or other parents), shared cooking or household chores, and just more social support. These days, many parents are expected to do all of that on their own, plus attend to modern-day tasks such as paperwork, emails, volunteering, birthday parties, etc! When parents work outside the home in addition to taking care of their children and household, this can add another layer of intensity to the schedule. Conversely, staying at home with your children can add another layer of emotional and sensory intensity for many HSPs. No matter what our lives look like, early parenthood is simply HARD.
All that said, I don’t want to minimize self-care or shame those of us who simply feel too busy to care for ourselves amidst the many responsibilities that our lives bring. Rather, I have a simple but powerful suggestion that can support any parent who is feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated: Micro-breaks!
One of my good friends (a mom of two young kids) recently set a goal for herself to have 20 minutes total of alone time per day. While ideally she would be getting much more than that, 20 minutes is what feels do-able right now. That’s okay! But protecting those 20 minutes, and being intentional about them, becomes extra important because the time is so precious. This is where micro-breaks come in.
I define a “micro-break” as between 1-10 minutes of downtime. Downtime can look like:
Laying down and closing your eyes
Doing a few yoga poses
A quick walk
Calling a friend
Watching a funny video
Mindfulness or breathing practices
Anything that feels calming or energizing, depending on what you need
Why 1-10 minutes? While many of us HSP parents would love to get 1-10 hours of alone time per day, it can be really difficult to find extended pockets of time to relax. Because of the difficulty, many of us simply give up and get no downtime, or when we get it, we’re so exhausted that we numbly scroll Instagram or rush around trying to find something else to do. By intentionally taking micro-breaks, we fully allow ourselves to relax into whatever it is we are doing to replenish ourselves.
I sometimes find it helpful to set a brief timer so that I can relax into that time fully - in that case, I’ll literally set a timer for 10 minutes, plop down on the couch, and read a few pages of a book. You might also simply pause and listen to a favorite song before getting out of your car, or walk once around the block. Similarly, taking 10 deep breaths or taking a minute or two to stretch is something that’s accessible to us most of the time, even when a child is crying or it’s time to prepare a meal.
These micro-breaks will not immediately resolve our stress and overwhelm, but they can take it down a few notches. By giving yourself permission to relax and take time for yourself, you replenish your energy and remind yourself that you are worthy of feeling good - you don’t exist simply to accomplish tasks or take care of others. That said, pause right now and think of one micro-break that feels achievable to you. Do it - right now if at all possible! Notice how it feels to take that time for yourself. I encourage you to incorporate micro-breaks into your daily routine. If you’re anything like me, it will make a world of difference for you as a Highly Sensitive Parent.
If you’re looking for more support for you as an HSP parent, or guidance around parenting your HSP child, check out my Resources Page!
Calm Outings for HSP Parents & Children
Last week, I took a good look at “Why are Birthday Parties so Hard for HSPs?” Reflecting on birthday parties got me thinking about the pressure many parents feel to go on fun outings with their kids, even when they cause overwhelm for the HSP parent and/or child.
Of course, HSPs still want to have fun, but sometimes our version of fun may look a bit different from that of the general public! This week, I’m suggesting some calm outings for HSP parents and HSP children to spark your imagination and give you some practical ideas about ways to connect with your child that don’t feel too draining or overwhelming.
Neighborhood Walk - Sometimes getting your bags packed, getting the kid(s) in the car, navigating traffic, finding parking, and doing the whole thing in reverse is simply TOO MUCH! Give yourself permission to get out and about in your neighborhood. This could simply be a walk/stroll/bike ride around your house. Go on your own, or invite a friend if you’re looking for some social connection!
Picnic in the Park - Packing up a picnic basket can be part of the fun for older kids, and taking time to sit and enjoy the outdoors can be a wonderful way to mindfully engage with your child and the world around you.
Botanical Gardens or Regional Parks - I have had good luck with these places being uncrowded, accessible, and calm, but still enjoyable for kids.
Zoos or Children's Museums - These can be really chaotic on weekends, but can be wonderful on weekdays if you have the chance to visit them!
Libraries - Some offer children’s activities or storytimes, but feel free to avoid these if you’d prefer to simply sit with your child and read!
Staying home - You don’t need to go on “outings” every day - many HSP parents I know aim for only once per week. Sometimes, the best thing for you and/or your child is to simply stay home, cuddle up, nap, watch a show together, read, play a game, or whatever else brings you joy and calm!
What are your favorite outings as a family? I’d love to hear your thoughts! And if you’re looking for more support for you as an HSP parent, or guidance around parenting your HSP child, check out my Resources Page!
3 Signs of Sensory Overwhelm and Overstimulation in Highly Sensitive Adults
Overwhelm. Overstimulation. Sensitivity.
These words capture the more challenging side of the HSP trait for many adults. Of course, the HSP trait also offers many benefits and gifts to those who experience it - and if you’re looking to find new ways to celebrate your Sensitivity, check out my blog post on “The Gifts of Sensitivity and Being an HSP.” Once you feel empowered within your sensitivity, it can be helpful to recognize some of the challenges that might come up for you. For many HSPs, Sensory Overwhelm or Overstimulation is a major challenge. Don’t fear, however - once we are able to recognize signs that we are becoming overstimulated, we can start to take steps toward coping with Overstimulation (side note: I have two entire modules dedicated to this process in the Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course!)
So what does Overstimulation look like for HSP adults? My guess is you have some idea of what causes overstimulation for you. If not, here’s a hint: think about your five senses - you likely find at least one of them that’s particularly sensitive. For example some HSPs are bothered by bright lights, loud or repetitive noises, rough/sticky textures, etc. But how does overstimulation show up in our minds and bodies? While our experiences as HSPs are distinct, here are three common signs of Sensory Overwhelm and Overstimulation:
Physical sensations - These physical “warning signs” of overstimulation may be the most recognizable to you. One important thing to remember here is that when we are overstimulated, our nervous systems tend to go into “Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn” (more on that another time), so our bodies respond as if we are under physical threat, even if the “threat” is something relatively innocuous such as loud music or a child tugging at our shirt repeatedly. That said, our bodies react no differently than if we were being charged at by a lion, or experiencing a physical threat to our safety. When you’re overstimulated, you might notice physical symptoms such as rapid heartbeat, sweating, tightness in chest, jitters, muscle tension, and more. These sensations make it difficult to do the tasks we need to do as parents. Although many of us try to “push through” these sensations, ideally, we should do what we can to safely reduce the source(s) of your overstimulation and take steps to calm the body down.
Foggy or Irrational Thinking - When we are stressed or overstimulated, we might notice that we have less mental clarity. This can show up in many different ways, including difficulty making decisions, irrational thoughts and emotions, and/or a general sense of “brain fog,” especially when we are chronically overstimulated and our nervous system gets stuck in high gear. When this happens, our higher level thinking is compromised as our body and brain are simply focused on physical safety.
Irritability or withdrawal - This can intensify if we get “stuck” in overwhelm and overstimulation. You may find yourself responding to situations or loved ones with frustration, irritability, or even rage! Many HSPs are empathetic and gentle, and so irritability and anger can feel surprising to them. When you notice that you are angry, irritable, or becoming withdrawn, it’s likely due (at least in part) to overstimulation. Similarly, many HSPs have a sense of wanting to “escape” - the “flight” response - which can manifest as jittery energy, a desire to just get in the car and drive away, or hiding in a quiet room away from the source(s) of overstimulation.
By understanding the sources of overstimulation, and learning to recognize our own personal “warning signs” of overstimulation, we can take steps to reduce its impact in our lives and families. If you haven’t yet, you can receive a free printable PDF titled “5 Tips to Manage Overstimulation for HSP Parents” by signing up for our newsletter - where you’ll get more inspiration and wisdom for HSP parents and kids!
Is My Child Highly Sensitive?
Have you ever wondered if your child is Highly Sensitive?
While all children have preferences, emotions, and moments of sensitivity, around 15-20% of children exhibit the trait of High Sensitivity. The HSP trait is equally represented across genders and cultures, and is simply a trait (like height or introversion), not a flaw or a diagnosis. Gaining a deeper understanding of the trait of High Sensitivity will help empower you to better appreciate and support your unique child.
The pioneering researcher behind this trait, Elaine Aron, Ph.D., has created an acronym that helps us recognize Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), including Highly Sensitive Children (HSCs). I’ve adapted the DOES acronym with descriptions of how it may show up for HSCs:
Not all HSC’s exhibit each of the above tendencies, but you’ll likely recognize some of them in your child if they are indeed Highly Sensitive. Elaine Aron, Ph.D. has created an HSP Assessment for Children which can offer more clarity on whether or not your child could be Highly Sensitive.
If you feel that your child is Highly Sensitive - celebrate! HSPs have so much to offer the world. They tend to be thoughtful, curious, and loving towards others. You might also notice, however, that being Highly Sensitive comes with its challenges. Perhaps your child is bullied at school for crying easily, or you notice that your infant or toddler becomes distressed when in new situations or environments. Older children may feel “the weight of the world” on their shoulders and have difficulty managing the depth of their emotions and empathy.
Whatever your child’s unique gifts and challenges, I have a wonderful resource to offer you. Based on my professional and personal experience with Highly Sensitive Children (HSC’s), I’ve developed an online, video-based course called “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” that helps parents and caregivers to better understand, support, and advocate for their Sensitive Kids. It’s a comprehensive resource with information, printable resources, and simple but powerful tools to not only support your child, but to teach them to be an empowered Highly Sensitive Person.
You can find more about the “Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child” Course by clicking the button below.
3 Ways to Cope with Depression as a Highly Sensitive Parent
Last week, I shared a bit about how Depression can feel for HSP Parents and where to find support. The bottom line is, please do not suffer alone! Having social and professional support is critical in finding healing from depression. If you are feeling down, off, or “not yourself,” please consider the three coping skills below to cope with depression:
1. Therapy
Having professional support is often necessary for those experiencing depression. Here are some ways that therapy can support you as an HSP parent:
Gives you a safe space to explore thoughts and feelings
Helps you engage in self-compassion
Teaches mindfulness skills
Supports you toward making positive changes in your life
Can help you explore other treatment options such as talking to a physician or psychiatrist about antidepressant medication
In my other career as a therapist, a wise supervisor once told me “Anxiety and Depression are just two sides of the same coin.” While it’s certainly possible for people - including HSPs - to experience depression on its own, I have seen many HSP parents come to a place of depression after being highly anxious or overwhelmed for a period of time. In this case, it can be important to address both anxiety and depression in your work with a therapist.
2. Peer/Social Support
Engaging in social interactions when feeling depressed is also very powerful. While depression often causes people to isolate, it is important to push past this tendency and seek peer support, whether informally with friends or within a therapy or peer support group. Gathering with others reduces your sense of isolation and increases meaningful connection, making you feel less alone in your difficult experiences. Here are some ideas for accessing social support:
Connect with a trusted friend or family member
Find a moms or parents group in your community - these can be through therapy practices, Meetup.com, yoga studios, libraries, children’s museums, or at churches or community centers.
Informally, you might connect with peers with similar interests through a non-parent-related group (see below for ideas)
3. Explore Identity and Activities outside of parenthood
Often, a factor in parents’ depression is a loss of identity outside of parenthood. Even when parenthood is cherished and important to a parent, they can find themselves realizing “My life is so different now! Who am I outside of being a parent?” Returning to favorite activities or previous roles - or even discovering new ones - can be helpful to help parents find a new sense of purpose and excitement in their lives. This could look like:
Taking one day a month away from home to spend with friends, go on a day retreat, or walk somewhere beautiful
Set aside time to engage in a hobby or sport: tennis, rock climbing, painting, playing music, etc
If staying at home, consider returning to work part time or more if desired
It’s important to seek professional help to manage your depression. If you feel that you might be depressed, or even if you just feel “off” or “not yourself,” please seek out a therapist who is knowledgeable about High Sensitivity and Depression. You can find a list of HSP-knowledgeable therapists on her Dr. Elaine Aron’s website, but even simply googling “HSP Therapist in [your state, province, or country]” can yield helpful results. If you’re in California, I would love to support you in my role as a therapist at Inner Nature Therapy. Postpartum Support International also offers many resources for parents - even those outside of the postpartum period. Some people also benefit from medication to reduce symptoms of depression; if you feel that this might be the case for you, reach out to your primary care doctor or to a psychiatrist to discuss your options. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis and live in the United States, you can call 988 for support and resources.
Disclaimer: This blog post is provided for educational and informational purposes only and is not medical or mental health advice. The information presented here is not intended to diagnose, treat, heal, cure or prevent any illness, medical, or mental health condition. Although Amy Lajiness is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, licensed in the state of California, she is not acting in that capacity here. Amy Lajiness is acting as an HSP Parenting Coach and Educator, not as a licensed medical health professional, mental health professional, or in her professional capacity as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Working with us is not a guarantee of any results. Inner Nature Therapy, Inc. owns all copyrights to the materials presented here unless otherwise noted.
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
3 Ways to Cope as an Anxious Highly Sensitive Parent
In last week’s blog, I gave an introduction to how being an HSP can impact your experience of anxiety. This week, I’ll be sharing a few basic ways to cope with anxiety as an HSP parent.
1. Learn some Relaxation and Mindfulness Skills
This sounds simple, but learning ways to calm yourself when feeling anxious or overstimulated is a very powerful tool! In fact, a 2015 study by Pluess & Boniwell found that High Sensitivity “only related to anxiety when mindfulness and acceptance were low, but the relationships were not significant when mindfulness and acceptance were high.” In short, the following factors reduce HSP’s experience of anxiety to the level of non-HSPs:
Practicing mindfulness skills such as deep breathing and meditation
Gaining awareness of your physical body and noticing those warning signs of overstimulation
Learning specific ways to calm your body (ex. Yoga, going outdoors, listening to music, etc)
Intentional emotional and physical boundary setting - for parents, this can look like taking time alone when “over-touched” or asking to be touched in a less intense way
2. Reduce exposure to situations and environments that lead to overstimulation
You may already know that certain environments create greater stress for you. For me (and many HSP parents), these environments can include:
Childrens’ birthday parties
Amusement parks or Zoos
Rooms cluttered with toys or kid gear
Multitasking, for example trying to cook dinner while the TV is on and your child is talking to you
Once you know that these environments are overstimulating to you, you might choose to make some changes. For example, you might only visit the zoo early in the morning, when it is less likely to be crowded. Or, if the dinnertime scenario resonates, perhaps turn the TV off and provide a toy or activity to occupy your child so that you can focus solely on cooking.
3. Challenge negative or unrealistic ways of thinking
One of the proven types of therapy for anxiety is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which helps people to understand how their emotions and behaviors are impacted by negative thoughts, and helps to tweak those negative thoughts to be more positive and/or realistic. If you find that your anxiety includes nervous or upsetting thoughts, CBT can help you recognize negative thought patterns and correct them. For example, if you are nervous about your child starting at a new school, you might be having thoughts such as “they won’t make any friends” and “they will cry all day.” These thoughts can feel very real and very upsetting, but if you look at them logically, they are also not very realistic. Even changing your thoughts to be more moderate can be really helpful to reduce anxiety. For example, “They might cry for a while after I drop them off, and that makes me upset, but I know they will also smile and have a good time at other points in the day,” feels a LOT better than “they will cry all day.” While there are some great CBT workbooks out there, it can often be difficult for people to even recognize when their thoughts are unrealistic or distorted, which is where a therapist can help!
It can often be supportive - even necessary - to seek professional help to manage your anxiety. If you feel that this might be the case, please seek out a therapist who is knowledgeable about High Sensitivity. You can find a list of HSP-knowledgeable therapists on her Dr. Elaine Aron’s website, but even simply googling “HSP Therapist in [your state, province, or country]” can yield helpful results. If you’re in California, I would love to support you in my role as a therapist at Inner Nature Therapy.
Disclaimer: This blog post is provided for educational and informational purposes only and is not medical or mental health advice. The information presented here is not intended to diagnose, treat, heal, cure or prevent any illness, medical, or mental health condition. Although Amy Lajiness is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, licensed in the state of California, she is not acting in that capacity here. Amy Lajiness is acting as an HSP Parenting Coach and Educator, not as a licensed medical health professional, mental health professional, or in her professional capacity as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Working with us is not a guarantee of any results. Inner Nature Therapy, Inc. owns all copyrights to the materials presented here unless otherwise noted.
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
How to recover from a bad start to the day as an HSP parent
Let me paint you a picture of a recent day in my household. It was my kids’ first week back to school, and my two boys were fresh off their summer “routine” of playing and reading in the morning until it was time to leave for preschool and summer camps - usually around 9 am. Suddenly, we had to be at school at 7:30 am, dressed, breakfasted, and with lunches and backpacks prepped. Yes, I did follow *some* of my own advice in my “Back to School Seasons for Sensitive Parents” blog post, but we were all still having trouble adjusting to an earlier wake-up time, and the fast-paced mornings required during the school year.
The day did not start well. I woke up feeling tired and stressed about the day ahead, and my kids had forgotten about their morning responsibilities (at ages 8 and 5, they are finally capable of dressing themselves and fixing themselves cereal). There were also, understandably, some complicated feelings around being back at school again. I made multiple requests for them to eat their breakfast, put on socks and shoes, etc. We were all becoming grumpier by the minute. By the time we headed out the door to school, it was clear that we all needed a reset from the rocky start to our day.
So: how did we recover?
First off, we got outside. Thankfully, my kids’ elementary school is about a 7 minute walk away. Even at a brisk pace, we were able to stop and notice the beautiful clouds, the spider in her newly spun web, and the warmth of the sun already shining on our skin. This moment of mindfulness in nature did wonders for our mindset and mood.
Secondly, we talked about our tough morning a little bit. My older son uses the phrase “I’m going to try to turn my day around.” I absolutely love this phrase, because it acknowledges both that the day has not been going well, and that we are capable of changing the trajectory of our day/mood. We noticed what had not worked well and identified how to make the next morning smoother - “tomorrow, I’m going to make sure I get dressed and brush my teeth before coming downstairs and playing.”
Lastly, we forgave each other –and I forgave myself – for being grumpy. We acknowledged that it is a tough transition from our looser summer routine to our more rigid fall schedule. We laughed at ourselves a little bit.
With younger kids, “turning your day around” might look a bit different. That said, the trifecta of getting some fresh air, acknowledging the challenges/stressors, and engaging in self-compassion and forgiveness works for HSP parents across the board.
Have you had a tough start to your day recently? What worked for you to “turn your day around?” I’d love to hear your thoughts & ideas in the comments below! If this blog was helpful to you, consider subscribing to our weekly newsletter, so you don’t miss out on future blog posts to support you as an HSP Parent!
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
3 Affirmations to Support Healthy Boundaries for Empaths and Highly Sensitive People
This week’s blog is short but sweet. In last week’s blog, I explored WHY it is so difficult for HSPs and Empaths to set healthy boundaries. Understanding the WHY can help us deepen our self-knowledge and self-compassion, and get us ready to take active steps toward setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
The boundaries that HSP and Empath parents tend to struggle with are energetic and emotional. For example, many of us struggle with burning ourselves out in order to care for others, including our children! We also may find ourselves saying “yes” to commitments (kids sports, PTA/PTO, additional work responsibilities) when we truly don’t have the time, energy, or desire to say yes. Finally, we may struggle setting boundaries with the expectations of society or those in our inner circle. I hear from many HSP parents that it is really difficult to hold boundaries with their own parents or family members, who may have very different expectations about parenting and life choices.
All that said, I’d like to offer three powerful affirmations that support healthy boundary setting and maintenance for Highly Sensitive parents:
It is not my responsibility to manage other people's emotional responses - my duty is to take good care of myself and my family.
Even when I feel guilty about "rocking the boat," I can trust that I have the right to make healthy choices.
When other people don't accept my decisions/boundaries, I am able to hold firm rather than giving in to help them feel more comfortable.
Do any of these resonate with you? I encourage you to pick one or two affirmations and write them down in a place where you will see them regularly. Let the truth of these affirmations sink in, and let them support you towards healthier boundaries.
Looking for more support with boundary-setting and other challenging aspects of HSP Parenthood? Check out our Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course, which offers expert guidance and support just for HSP and Empath parents.
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
5 Affirmations for HSP and Empath Parents
Too often, the self-talk I hear from Highly Sensitive or Empathic parents is negative and guilt ridden.
It’s selfish to take time for myself away from my child - I feel so guilty about wanting a break because I love my kid!
I feel like the worst mom when I become frustrated and lose it.
Other parents seem to be able to manage their kids and our busy lives much better than I can - there must be something wrong with me.
It breaks my heart to hear these statements - many of which are based in society’s unreasonable expectations on parents and a culture of perfectionism and “one right way” around parenting and parenthood. While guilt or frustration can, at times, point us to areas where we may need a bit more support or where we can make lifestyle changes, they often do nothing but make us feel ashamed of who we are, and stuck in challenging situations and patterns.
In today’s blog, I’d love to share with you five affirmations that I’ve created specifically for Highly Sensitive parents and caregivers. While I can’t promise that these will eliminate those negative thoughts or make parenthood a total breeze, it is absolutely true that our self-talk affects our mindset and perspective. When our mindset shifts to be more positive and self-compassionate, our emotions and experiences also become more calm and buoyant. I suggest reading these through in your head, or if you feel comfortable, out loud.
I’m also happy to share the above affirmations as a free download. Feel free to print them off or screenshot them as a reminder to speak to yourself with love! Simply click the button below to download the image.
I hope that these affirmations support you in your journey as a Highly Sensitive Parent. If you’re interested in more of our resources, check out our Highly Sensitive Parenthood Resource Page. Moving forward, we are also offering weekly YouTube videos and a podcast on the same theme as the blog, so if you are looking for further exploration, or simply to access these topics through your favorite media, click below!
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
Top 3 Challenges for Highly Sensitive Parents (and how to manage them)
Earlier this week, I was chatting with some Highly Sensitive parents at our virtual Coffee Chat, and I asked the question “What are your top challenges as HSP parents?” While there are *MANY* strengths that HSP parents bring to the table (I’ll tackle these in a future blog, I promise), there are also many challenges that are common for sensitive and empath parents. Here are the top 3 that our group identified:
1) Always being “on”
I often describe parenthood as “relentless.” Although we do sleep and (hopefully) take time away from our children to just be ourselves, our identity and role as parents never fully leaves us once we welcome our child into the world. I’m guessing that all of us have had the experience of having a stressful day, feeling exhausted, and still somehow needing to scrape up the energy to get dinner on the table, bathe our child(ren), do the bedtime routine, etc. This is particularly challenging for HSP parents, who tend to be more easily drained by daily life, sensory overload, and the multiple demands on our attention.
2) Managing my emotions when my child is upset
This one is so hard. To be honest, I am very much a work in progress when it comes to this challenge! When our kid is upset, we have the double whammy of auditory overstimulation (from our child crying, yelling, etc.) and being intensely attuned to their emotions (which may be very intense - anger, sadness, upset, etc.) As HSP parents, we need to simultaneously tend to our own emotions and help our children work through their feelings. There is no one right way to do this! Depending on the situation, it can look like:
Holding your child when they cry - the cuddles can help regulate their emotions as well as yours!
Asking your child to spend time in a quiet place where they can calm down, while you retreat to a separate room in order to manage your own emotional response
Holding hands with them, looking into their eyes, and taking deep breaths together
Verbally acknowledging their emotion, for example “It seems like you feel upset that we had to leave the playground. That’s disappointing, isn’t it! I’m looking forward to going with you again tomorrow.” Then having a similar empathetic response to your own emotions, for example “It’s hard to parent when my kid is upset, since my own body and mind feel their emotions so intensely. I’m doing the best I can to manage.”
3) My partner/loved ones not understanding or supporting my sensitivity
HSPs can seem mysterious to our partners and loved ones - the depth of our awareness and emotions can be received with confusion or, unfortunately, judgment. When those in our life say things like “you’re too sensitive” or “you’re too soft with our child,” it can feel like a denial or judgment of who we are on a very deep level. Educating your loved ones on the HSP trait is a great start. You can send them the link to my blog post with basic information on High Sensitivity https://www.highlysensitiveparenthood.com/blog/what-is-an-hsp-and-how-do-i-know-if-i-am-highly-sensitive) or, if you’re looking for more in-depth support, my Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course https://highlysensitiveparenthood.mykajabi.com/hsp-parenthood-course ) has an entire 15-minute video module on “Helping Partners & Support People Understand your HSP trait,” plus a bonus “How to support your HSP Loved One” handout to help loved ones and partners understand your HSP trait and how it impacts your experience as a parent and person.
Do you resonate with these common challenges for HSP parents? Feel free to comment below with your challenges as an HSP parent, and/or ways that you manage them!
P.S. I’d love to have you join us for future Coffee Chats! I’m planning to host them every 2-3 months on Zoom, and they are free and open to all HSP parents! To make sure you know when the next one is happening, subscribe to our weekly newsletter , or follow us on Instagram.
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
Finding your Village as Highly Sensitive Parent
Throughout human history, parents had support from extended family, older children, neighbors, and other community members. Community life was a given - humans needed one another to survive and thrive. As I write this, I am in a lovely little coffee shop (shout out to Pappalecco in San Diego) in what I imagine is not only an attempt to get my hands on an exceptional almond croissant, but also to be around other people in a way that is impossible when working from my office at home. Even for HSP introverts like me, it feels good to be around others - we thrive on a certain degree of interdependence and connection with other people!
HSP parents living in other developed or urban areas might especially resonate here, but I would imagine anyone going through parenthood in COVID/early post-COVID times has felt the burden of parenthood without adequate support from others. This includes both practical support - delivering a home-cooked meal or watching your child for a few hours so you can rest, and emotional support - a warm hug, words of encouragement, or inviting you for a dinner out so you can take a break from the role of parent and connect with an adult. If you take a moment and reflect on the last time you got a break from parenthood or connected with another adult in a meaningful way, you would probably also notice that you were happier, more rested, and a more present and peaceful parent afterwards!
So, how do we find this support “village” that seems almost extinct in our modern times? First of all, acknowledge that it may not look like a perfect small tight-knit group of people à la the TV show “Friends.” Your village may include your next door neighbor, who you know you can trust to care for your child an emergency, a colleague from work with whom you go on beach walks every few months, or an old friend who lives in another state. Perhaps it also includes a grandparent with whom you can FaceTime when you’re needing some human connection, or a couple of parents who you know from your child’s preschool. While your community may not feel cohesive and interconnected like we see on TV, it still counts - and it makes a meaningful difference in your life!
Lastly - and perhaps most importantly - give yourself permission to prioritize these relationships at times. Doing so isn’t “selfish,” but rather a way for you to enhance your well-being, sense of belonging, and find more support so that you can thrive as a family.
Take a few moments and write down who you see in your village - they don’t need to be super close emotionally or geographically. Maybe you also notice others who you could welcome into your village. How can you connect with them this week?
P.S. If you resonate with this topic, this is one of 15 areas that I offer a deep-dive into in the Highly Sensitive Parenthood Course. If you’re interested in learning more, visit this link.
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parenthood Coach and Educator
3 Tips to Carve Out Time for Yourself as an HSP Parent
One of the main challenges that HSP parents face is lack of time. We live in a busy, demanding world, and parenthood is relentless! It can be incredibly difficult to create time to take care of yourself, and hearing the media extol the values of self-care without recognizing how many barriers parents of young children face can feel incredibly frustrating.
So yes, it is hard to make time to attend to your wants and needs as a parent. That said, it is also incredibly important to do so - your energy and mood impacts not only yourself, but your family and children as well. Taking care of yourself is actually a way of caring for and loving your children, who deserve to have a healthy and happy parent whenever possible!
That said, I wanted to give you some practical tips to help you create more time for yourself:
1. Alarm Setting - This is so easy and effective! Basically, you use the alarm on your phone or watch to create a protected time for leisure or rest. As an example, while your child naps or watches a show, you can set your alarm for 30 minutes (or 15, or 60, etc), during which time you do whatever you want to do! This does not include household or work-related tasks like catching up on email or laundry. This does include activities such as reading a book, hanging out in your cozy corner, calling a friend, or just resting.
2. Scheduling - I know, it takes work and intentionality to schedule anything! For bigger commitments or periods of self-care, I often “batch” my scheduling time. For example, if I want to meet up with a friend, enjoy an online yoga class, and book a retreat day or day off of work, I’ll sit down with my calendar and register/plan all at once. This offers two benefits: it gives you something to look forward to, and it creates a protective boundary around the activity so that you can make sure it happens. Of course, scheduling childcare may be an additional challenge here, but it’s important to remember just how good it feels to protect and plan for both your leisure time and your rest.
3. Accountability - If you’re anything like me, you probably struggle with people-pleasing! This often goes hand-in-hand with the HSP trait, and while people love us for it, it can too often lead to overcommitment and burnout. Commit to protecting your time and your energy, and share these plans with someone who can keep you accountable, such as a partner, friend, or therapist. True story: I have, several times, added a day off to my calendar and then knowingly scheduled work meetings over the top of it. Please, don’t do this to yourself! It often helps me to share my intention and plan with an accountability buddy who can call me on my (unhelpful) people-pleasing tendencies and remind me of the importance of prioritizing my own needs first.
Do you have any other tips and tricks for how to create and protect time for self-care? Drop a note in the comments below so we can learn from each other!
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parenthood Coach and Educator
Creating your HSP Cozy Corner
While part of creating your HSP Cozy Corner is about decluttering, you can also mindfully add items to your space to enhance your experience of relaxation. For HSPs, engaging in the five senses (sight, sound, taste, touch, smell) can be both pleasant and calming. Here are some ways to create a quiet, cozy space for yourself:
Sight
Most importantly, clear this room or corner of clutter. If you have items that you’d like to keep in your space, consider storing them in a cute box or basket that reduces visual clutter. If you enjoy certain colors, incorporate them into this space. Adding art, candles, small sculptures, or nature elements into this space can be relaxing and grounding. I keep some essential oils and other small items in these sweet & sturdy low baskets. If you’re prone to visual overstimulation, adding an eye mask to your basket can be helpful.
Sound
Pull up a favorite playlist or a recording of nature sounds! If you’re in the mood for quiet, or want to block ambient noise, I highly recommend these super comfy, high quality noise canceling headphones. If you prefer a less bulky option, Loop offers cute and effective noise reduction earplugs. Bonus: If your kids are loud like mine, noise reduction earwear is perfect for wearing around the house! Of course, make sure you can still hear them, but it’s okay to dampen the sound somewhat to reduce overstimulation.
Taste
This is the fun part! Did you know that you can use chocolate (or another candy of choice) to engage in a meditation? As you enjoy your chocolate, notice the bright colored wrapper, the smell, the sound of yourself biting into it, the texture of it melting on your tongue, and the bitter/sweet/creamy/salty taste. Really allow yourself to enjoy each sensory aspect of this experience. Also, too often parents forget to eat and are simply in need of a little snack. Feel free to grab a pouch or two of your favorite sweet or salty snack, but if you’re needing some inspiration, check out these award-winning small batch Sea Salt Caramels.
Touch
It’s time to get cozy - gather your favorite pillows and blankets! Including items like scented therapy dough or your fidget item of choice can also be helpful to release any pent-up energy when you’re looking to calm down. For me, there’s nothing better than a soft, sherpa-y weighted blanket when I’m feeling overwhelmed. Of course, a fluffy pet, favorite quilt, or even items just found around your home can work just as well!
Smell
If there are unpleasant odors in the area, consider giving it a clean, opening a window, or adding an air filter into the space. One of my favorite ways to create calm is through using essential oils. There are many reputable and wonderful essential oil companies out there, but my preference for high quality oils at a reasonable price is Eden’s Garden. If you’re new to essential oils, try lavender for relaxation or orange for a mood/energy boost. Of course, adding your favorite candle to the space can also create both a lovely smell and a beautiful source of calming light.
Are you inspired to create your own cozy corner yet? Let us know in the comments about what you’re planning to include in your space, and don’t forget to return after you’ve begun to enjoy your cozy corner so you can let us know how it feels for you!
Please note that the links in this post may be affiliate links, meaning that I earn a small commission if you purchase items through the link - no additional cost to you!
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parenthood Coach and Educator
A Room of One’s Own
Early on in my experience as an HSP, I began to notice that my anxiety and stress levels increased when my home was cluttered or chaotic. At first, I wrote this desire off as “snobby” or “nitpicky,” but as I came across research that confirmed that cluttered spaces had a measurable impact on anxiety levels, I began taking my desire for a decluttered space more seriously.
Highly Sensitive people tend to be very attuned to their environment and are aware of subtle stimuli (unpleasant smells, dusty floors, piles of papers) that non-HSPs might not notice at all. While our awareness of subtle stimuli is also an HSP superpower - we deeply enjoy aesthetic beauty, delicious tastes and smells, etc - it can be very difficult to manage in a home with babies or young children.
When we are surrounded by “baby detritus” (bottles, diapers, toys, and other gear), our home can suddenly become cluttered and overstimulating. This is not just visual, either! We’re talking stinky diapers, loud and bulky baby toys, and cries or babble that can be overstimulating. Suddenly our home, that place that is supposed to be a fortress of calm and coziness, can become the very source of our overstimulation and stress. When we as parents are stressed, it becomes more difficult to attend to our own needs, as well as those of our children.
One simple and powerful way that HSP Parents can nourish themselves is to create a “room of one’s own,” or even just a “cozy corner” that is clutter-free, quiet, and calming. This space could look and feel different depending on your preferences and living situation, but it serves as a place to retreat to when you are feeling overwhelmed by a cluttered or chaotic environment. I’ll give specific pointers on how to create or refine this space in next week’s blog post, but for now, I just want to say to you: How your home feels to you is important. You deserve to have a space where you can curl up, relax, and recharge. Let’s make it happen!
Are you inspired to create your own cozy corner yet? Let us know in the comments about what you’re planning to include in your space, and don’t forget to return after you’ve begun to enjoy your cozy corner so you can let us know how it feels for you!
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parenthood Coach and Educator